Four blimey! Gary's a bit close to the bone

Match of the Day's metamorphosis into football's Algonquin Round Table gathers pace. Goaded into action by the unceasing wit of Mark 'Twain' Lawrenson, Gary Lineker eases into the Dorothy Parker role with a belter of his own. If you watched the latest MoTD in its Sunday morning repeat slot you'll have missed it. Concerned for the nation's sensibilities, if not its ribcage, the BBC edited out the pun inspired by the Spurs captain's quartet of goals on Saturday. It was, he observed, "Four-Keane-Hell for Burnley". It may not match Parker's "You can lead a whore to culture ", but not since the Two Ronnies and their Fork Handles has Britain rejoiced in such exquisitely crafted wordplay involving the number between three and five. Right then, Lawro, the ball's back in your court.

Marina's fighting talk risks a Bunce crunch

No good ever comes of it when sportswriters fall out, so we regret the burgeoning feud between Marina Hyde of the Guardian and Independent boxing man Steve Bunce. Marina dwells on the website that's been set up to encourage extant broadcasters to pick up the boxing show which vanished with Setanta.

The highlight on bringbackbunce.net, she says, is the “political support” section featuring endorsements from David Blunkett and Irish PM Bertie Aherne, neither of whom, she has learned, is aware of his pugilism pundit's existence. If the boy Bunce does take offence, as the form book implies, there is one obvious way to settle it. “I'll meet him in the ring, and I actually think I could take him,” says the gamine Marina, with Michael Caine in Get Carter in mind. “He's a big man . . . but he's out of shape.”

The transparently opaque Bates

When Lord Mawhinney's Football League board meets next week, it will have more to ponder than Flavio Briatore's fitness and properness to be a director of Queens Park Rangers. Other concerns include the ownership of Leeds United, which remains quite the three-pipe mystery. Ken Bates, the chairman, has reportedly told a Jersey court that he is not at liberty to reveal the names of investors behind the Cayman Island-registered company, Forward Sports Fund, that owns it. What a far cry this seems from Ken's Chelsea days, when his commitment to absolute transparency about investors . . . ah, it's all coming
back to me now. Plus ca change . . .

This Stan and Alisher saga will run and run

As for the future ownership of Arsenal, this too remains shrouded in doubt. The battle for control between Uzbek pretty boy Alisher Usmanov and US billionaire Stan Kroenke flares up again with news that the latter has increased his stake to 28.7 per cent. Whether he or Usmanov will ever reach the magic 29.9 per cent mark that triggers a mandatory takeoverbid under City regulations, who can say? But somehow you suspect that if Arsene Wenger stays as manager for another 13 years, these plutocrats will still be playing out this entrancingly languid war of egos in the autumn of 2022.