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Having a successful wife wasn't easy for Jason Rae, Corinne Bailey Rae's husband, who died on Saturday from an overdose. The once clean-living musician descended into substance abuse as his wife's stardom grew. Whatever the dynamic of their marriage was, he definitely wasn't celebrating Corinne's success as he gorged on the booze and drugs that led to his death.
Losing someone to an overdose is like losing them to suicide. It's a rejection of life and the people around you. Aged 31, Jason knew he was tempting fate while bingeing himself into oblivion. Rather than be with his beautiful wife, he chose to die in a sordid den full of junkies.
I know the problems of being married to a successful woman. My former wife, Liz Jones, was well established when we met; this was a part of her attraction. Her money and worldliness made me feel protected and indulged, but I shrank into myself, overwhelmed by her energy and perfectionism-My inferior status was rammed home by her journalism, which exposed my flaws in forensic detail. Needing to find my own voice, I left.
A talented artist who met his wife when she was a nobody, Jason Rae would have found her rise very difficult as it highlighted his lack of success. Like me, he was unable to admit his sense of comparative failure and nurtured private demons instead. He found escape with drugs; I did it with adultery.
No one can blame Corinne for his death. He was a grown man who made his own choices. But as women succeed at work, the phenomenon of men who can't cope with playing second fiddle will only increase. While women have an aeons-old tradition-of wanting and managing dominant partners, men have no such thing.
Men want to be looked after as much as women do but suffer self-loathing when they find someone who does this. However talented and capable a woman is, men still have an ingrained expectation that they should be more successful. Women need to handle this with care and never, as my wife did, rub their husband's nose in it.
I'd be happy to marry a successful woman again. But I now know I'd have to express ugly emotions such as jealousy and resentment, and then work through them.
I still meet cheeky sods who call me Mr Jones, and take it in good humour. I've learned that to be happy I've got to forget about my social status - especially in relation to women.
Reader views (22)
While it may be easy to condemn Mr. Dhaliwal for writing a 'vanity column', I salute him for his courage, and he's absolutely right. Men have been told to 'suck it up' for far too long, and it's killing them--literally. In my family, my mother made more than my father, a fact that she kept reminding him of in subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) ways. She abused him terribly, and by the time I was 18, he was an empty shell of a man, weak and pathetic. Of course I didn't take any of my mom's abuse (she directed it at me too--she was a big misandrist), and stood up to her for both myself and my dad. She respected me more than the man she was married to, and no matter how you look at it, that just isn't right.
I see the women commenting here (most of them British) are very bitter towards Mr. Dhaliwal. I once took a trip to London, and the attention I got from the women there was great at first, but it soon became clear that they only liked me because I was some sort of exotic Yank to them. They all hated men on the inside. I feel sorry for British men, having to take all the rubbish that they do, and with the attitudes that British women have. Men, a piece of advice: DO NOT MARRY WESTERN WOMEN. They are intolerable. I currently have a Japanese girlfriend. She's smart, sweet, beautiful, and above all, she's no doormat. We have been completely faithful to one another, and we plan to get married soon.
- Phil, Ann Arbor, USA, 08/04/2009 06:20
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Isn't it possible for this man to illustrate a point without lapsing into vanity journalism? Damn right he deserved to top GQs hate list poll.
Love and Sympathies to Mrs Rae and associated families.
- Mr Preet, Shepherds Bush,London, 30/03/2008 18:42
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Can somebody please stop giving Mr Jones the airtime and oxygen of publicity he so clearly craves. He and his ex-wife have made one-dimensional careers (and a mint) boring us witless with the fallout of their relationship. This is yet another example of self pitying barrel-scraping.
He should try writing something which doesn't name drop or mention his adulterous shortcomings; failing that, get a therapist and stop 'dining out' on this brief chapter of an otherwise unremarkable self-serving sponging life.
Instead of carping on, he'd do well to remember he's managed to make a lucrative career on the coat tails of his more successful ex wife. Or perhaps the irony and ignominy is lost on Mr Jones...
- Denise, London, 30/03/2008 13:56
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You talk a load of rubbish! sounds more like a reflection of nitwits poor little damaged ego! for such a young guy you are so bitter. Move on!
- Jo, Sw1, London, 29/03/2008 15:39
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How weak you are? So we strong women are supposed to now also be mothers, bread winners and partners, and now ensure are men are not feeling intimidated. I suggest you look at how men have made women feel for hundreds of years... yes intimidated. So those women who are successful should look to history and say 'sorry you should be more successful' to their man...I thought you Mr Liz Jones a modern man... now I realise you are not unlike your ex-wife who is a role model for all young women.
- Emma, London, 29/03/2008 02:05
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I think Nirpal makes some valid points - but in his case I don't think it was her success that was the problem, but the intolerable, public sniping he had to endure. I'm surprised he endured the marriage that long. But his was definitely an extreme case and I am not sure the Jason Rae case is that similar. I also think it is difficult for any partner - male or female - to cope with a partner who has a meteoric rise in a similar profession. RIP.
- Emily, Brighton, 28/03/2008 19:07
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I'm a fairly successful journalist (not on the scale of your ex wife but I make a nice living). My partner and I have known each other for 11 years, and at the moment it's me who is the breadwinner. He's not found it easy having been the high flier when we met but he is - as women have done - learning to adapt to his new circumstances by making a new role for himself. Change is painful but necessary for all of us. But to change we all have to move on. Men need to evolve as women have had to do, and like us they'll soon find their way.
- Samantha, Bishops Stortford, Bishops stortford, UK, 28/03/2008 17:33
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Nirpal, I think you have a chip on your shoulder and you need to get over it. I am amazed by your ignorance and narrow minded self importance. Pay someone to listen to stories about your marriage break up and lack of self esteem, don't waste paper. I am surprise someone thought this was worth printing.
- P, London, 28/03/2008 16:16
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Nirpal, you need to get over the failure of your marriage, and quit sniping from behind the bushes.
- Verena Schiessle, London, 28/03/2008 14:31
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I think you have some issues there my man, you certainly do not speak for the majority of blokes.
- Squiz, Islington, 28/03/2008 11:25
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Nirpal, I think you have a very valid point. The rise in women's professional and financial success over the last 30yrs has come at a very damaging cost. In many areas we have seen a complete dismantling of any legitimate purposeful self-respecting role for men - and really, what have we truly gained. By publicly exposing in print each week the difficulties in your relationship and highlighting what she believed were your weaknesses, Liz Jone's not only displayed a complete lack of respect for you, your marriage, and most obviously herself but she also exposed how deep her level of insecurity was. If this is what she said in public, one can only guess how damaging she was in private. I myself am a child of the 60s who like many women of my generation have achieved professional and financial success. However, this would mean nothing if along the way I lost the ability to treat others with dignity and respect, most particularly those I love. One day I hope you find another woman who isn't so unsure of who she is that she cannot risk occasionally being vulnerable to others, particularly the men in her life.
- Teresa, Hampshire, 27/03/2008 17:44
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I find this article - and it's assumption that women don't find it exactly as demeaning when the man in the relationship is more successful - quite insulting. Women are expected to cope with it so I don't see why men shouldn't when the tables are turned.
- Gemma, London, UK, 27/03/2008 15:16
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How can you imply she and her success is to blame for his death? Maybe he was just addicted to drugs! You are the male version of the wife you were married to and I doubt any woman with a pair of cojones will want to marry you.
- Marisa, London, UK, 27/03/2008 12:45
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No matter how modernised we become as a society, I believe that fundamentally men have an innate desire to lead and be needed and that women want men with these qualities. To deny this, you'd have to ignore the frequent instances of relationships that struggle when this dynamic is out of order. Before you swarm me with accusations of male chauvinism, I'll pre-empt you by letting you know that I am in fact a woman - and by no means a weak one. That said, while I think it's possible that this out-of-order dynamic may have contributed to challenges in the Rae marriage, none of us know that and to deduce so would not only be mere speculation, but quite insensitive. Even if it were true it is unfair to insinuate that Corrine is somehow to blame for her husband's drug problem. At the end of the day, we all have our demons. Difficult relationships may or may not exacerbate them, but it is ultimately our own - NOT OUR PARTNERS' - responsibility to face and conquer them. Were our partners to overcompensate for our weaknesses, it may mask our problems but never truly address them (I hope you grow to accept this regarding your own relationship, Nirpal). I personally believe that the Rae marriage may well have had this ending even without Corrine's success.
- Petal, London, 27/03/2008 10:54
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I'm very successful in my career, and found this a severe impediment to romantic success. Unfortunately many men are intimidated by successful, financially secure women. It's very sad but true. If women aren't intimidated by successful men, then why can't men rejoice in their partner's success?
- Sarah, London, 26/03/2008 21:42
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Who is Liz Jones? The only thing I know about her is she married someone who does not deserve to be a columnist.
- Will, London, 26/03/2008 20:44
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I don't agree with Nirpal and I have every sympathy for Corinne Bailey Rae and the Rae family BUT none whatsoever for Jason Rae. He knew what he was doing when he took those drugs, no one forced them down his throat, or tied him down while he injected himself. And before you dismiss me as some kind of 'shameless and insensitive human being', I'm speaking as someone who has had to live the guilt of an ex-girlfriend taking an overdose, although it didn't result in her losing her life. There were other ways to get out of the marriage if he didn't feel things were working out.
- Eddie, Essex, 26/03/2008 20:18
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Using an insane comparison to make a point against his ex!
Write another book Nirpal, just don't make it a story of a marriage break up!
- Sham, Streatham, 26/03/2008 14:17
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"Women need to handle this with care"? So Dhaliwal is projecting his problems on to his (ex) wife as her responsibility and therefore transferring men's ego issues onto women kind as a whole? I, personally, don't know of any men that share his 'failings' or if they do, they've clearly managed to resolve it on their own and take responsibility. This excuse of a man is behaving outrageously. Grow up, Dhaliwal.
- We, Kent, 26/03/2008 14:02
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Anne & JW - thank you for conveying so eloquently the emotions I am experiencing right now. To my mind, it's beyond comprehension how someone can take such a tragic event and turn it around and use it to highlight the failings of their own dysfunctional relationship and mask it as empathy. Nirpal, I don't have the capacity to feel sorry for you but do feel an overwhelming sense of sadness on behalf of your Mother because I'm certain that she did not bring you up to be such a shameless and insensitive human being.
- Sae, London, 26/03/2008 13:18
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Do you actually know the Raes personally then Nirpal? If not, just shut up and stop dining out on once having been married to Liz Jones - who I'm increasingly feeling sympathy for the more I read your self-centred, inaccurate rubbish. Fool.
- Jw, London, 26/03/2008 12:48
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Did Nirpal know Jason Rae personally? I very much doubt it. His assumptions the reason he "gorged on booze and drugs" because his wife was a chart-topper astounds me. Jason Rae was just as successful a musician as his wife, maybe not platinum-selling album musician, but very much liked and highly respected among his peers and contemporaries. To insinuate that he turned to drugs because of Corinne's success is outrageous - he may have just liked taking drugs!
Reading on, it seems to me that it's just an excuse for him to yet again, talk about his well-publicised marriage to Liz Jones.
Did it turn him to drugs or drink? Maybe. But is that a reason to tar Jason with the same brush? No. Quite frankly, I am bored stupid with him and Liz airing their dirty linen in public, any relationship difficulty is private and should be kept that way. Or is that all Nirpal can talk about these days? Reeks of a bitter and twisted man.
I hope Corrine or her family read this and come down hard on Nirpal. It'll be bad enough for them to cope with the sudden and tragic death of their husband, son, brother without an arrogant idiot making it worse by voicing his assumptions - which is all they are.
- Anne, Totteridge, London, 26/03/2008 12:14
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