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I recently met Sathnam Sanghera, a Cambridge graduate and Times journalist. He'd written of his determination to marry a white woman and I asked why. He sheepishly admitted that a white partner was proof he'd "made it".
VS Naipaul's biography claims his relationships with white women were warped by race anxieties but he's of an older generation. It was odd hearing this neurosis expressed by a successful, British-born thirtysomething.
Raised in a poor Sikh family in the Midlands, Sanghera was insecure about his status. Black and Asian people of our generation conflate race with class: when we were growing up, it seemed colour defined your social position, not your career. Sanghera wants a white spouse to ease his fear that, despite his achievements, he was still just a wog.
But his marital preference is no stranger than the desire for a brown baby expressed by white women I've dated. Mixed-race babies are as much of a trophy for them as white women are for Sanghera.
Race and sex have a complicated relationship. I've been aware of it ever since I was overlooked during playground games of kiss-chase. Even children had a complex about inter-racial pecking then. Now, it seems inter-racial sex tops every hip young woman's list of things to do before she marries.
I don't share Sanghera's angst. I think Asian women are gorgeous. But for all sorts of reasons, including the lack of sexual confidence of Asian women, I've found it easier to get things going with a black or white one.
Like dating someone of a different social background, inter-racial relationships have an allure: both a subversive frisson and a sense of transcending prejudice. The smuggest couples I've known have been mixed-race ones, because they know they're making the world a better place.
Even my very traditional Indian mum isn't immune to inter-racial longings. None of the men she's admitted fancying have been Asian: Elvis Presley, Daley Thompson and Bobby Ewing.
But mixed-race couples do have their dysfunctions. I've noticed a trend among people in mixed-race relationships to cheat with someone of their own colour, wanting to reconnect with a culture they've become estranged from.
Everyone's hang-ups get played out through sex, and in Britain race is part of that process. Sanghera's sense of inadequacy shows how far we are from a colour-blind utopia.
Reader views (2)
Our Hindu scriptures say that our mind and body is one entity - love, sharing intimacy & art of making love is sanctity. Some goody goody Asian men want to devour my body even before I have found out if their Mum still washes their Chuddis and cooks their Chappatis!
Some say they are English. My confused numskulls get into that spiral of “no sexual confidence”. I can’t sleep with a man who does not know the difference between his “buddhi” and his “danda”.
When their white wives can’t cook, the Indian men probably run home to their mothers for “sabji”?? Our knowledge to cook the difficult “jelabis” comes in very handy in bed too. Ha! you did not know that did you??
Why would any Asian man want to marry only white girls, especially when we Indians, have given the West so many of our wonderful ways i.e. our scriptures and spiritual practices (Kama Sutra & Yoga) and our culture (smoking weed in Goa and Bombay Dreams by A L Webber)???
Why do I get called all sorts of names because I am selective about the men I date and am celibate?
I will be a great whore in bed for the man who captivates all my senses and passion but I will not prostitute myself. My body is a temple, not an NCP parking space! What do you say to that yaar?
- Mona Sinniah, London, UK
Don't agree with your comment - "But for all sorts of reasons, including the lack of sexual confidence of Asian women" - don't know what kind of Asian women you've dated. This is not the case for most 2nd generation Asian women I know. Also, this is the typical kind of statement you hear from Asian men who really prefer white women. In my opinion you are undermining Asian women!
- Davinda, London, United Kingdom
