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We 21st-century Londoners see ourselves as modern, rational and sceptical, casting aside the comical superstitions and certainties of our ancestors. Actually, of course, we have simply replaced the old ludicrous shibboleths with a whole lot of brand-new ones. We may no longer think that fornication sends us to hell, that British is best, or that copper bracelets cure rheumatism. But we still believe in breakfast meetings, jogging and Richard Branson. Most of all, perhaps, we believe in the Olympics.
This great five-ring circus is the closest thing to alchemy that the contemporary world can show. Every four years, apparently intelligent civic leaders fall for the pitch that base brownfield soil can be turned into gold simply by rubbing it with the International Olympic Committee's magic potion, comprising large numbers of expensive new sports stadia and swimming pools.
I have no doubt that all London's stadia will be ready on time, that the fireworks at the opening ceremony will be spectacular, and that the London Olympics will bring us all real moments of pride and ecstasy. But no more than moments. For the abiding empirical experience of previous Olympics is that they are essentially a fraud.
In this supposed demonstration of the heights of the human spirit, several of the highest-profile winners usually turn out to have been on drugs. This festival of health is usually sponsored by the likes of McDonald's. This celebration of sport's liberating effects is usually attended with North Korean levels of choreography, paranoia and control.
Anything described as an Olympic legacy usually turns out to have been happening anyway, with or without the Games. In London, for instance, the so-called Javelin train tunnel was almost finished before London even decided to bid. The recent "Olympic legacy" announcement of more money for swimming, though most welcome, has no obvious link to the Olympics at all.
Above all, the briefest study of any previous Olympics shows that with one sole exception, Barcelona 92, they have left their host city at best, no better off, and at worst, facing crippling debts for a generation. This week, the bill for London continued to mount, with the announcement that further millions will be diverted to bail out the Olympic village.
The other thing Londoners may not realise is the damage the Olympics will do to our economy, our tourist industry and some of our most important civic assets. Did you know that three of our Royal Parks - Hyde Park, Regent's Park, and Greenwich Park - are Olympic venues, and will be closed throughout most of the summer of 2012? Did you know that Greenwich Park - site of the equestrian events - may be closed for nearly a year, and end up permanently scarred? (It may not be possible to fit in the cross-country course without cutting down trees.)
For the duration of the Games, London will be turned into a sort of armed camp, with police and security forces everywhere amid the real possibility of a terrorist atrocity. Roads will be closed to ordinary traffic so that IOC officials can get to the Games in their chauffeured cars. Everywhere will jack up their prices. If Athens is any guide, Londoners will flee the city and tourists will shun it. Oh yes, and all this will cost us £10 billion. If we're lucky.
It's not surprising, then, that my abiding feeling about the Olympics is of anger and despondency. If only we could give it back! But it's too late for that. We have to make the best of it. We have to try to at least limit the harm that it does us.
And actually, the fact that we are past the point of no return gives us some power. Because the IOC is past the point of no return, too. It's too late for them to do anything to us. So we should save the London Olympics by calling the IOC's bluff.
It's always been absurd that the Olympic bureaucrats require the construction of so many costly facilities for mostly very minor sports. Fifa doesn't make you build new football stadia for the World Cup - even though that involves a sport 50 times more important, and with an infinitely greater world following, than anything at the Olympics.
The ultimate Olympic bluff-call would be to cancel the main stadium and shift the athletics to Wembley. That, alas, is probably a move too far: contracts have been signed, and it might well cost more to cancel it than to go ahead.
But most of the other venues are not scheduled to begin construction until next year. We can perfectly well do without a new velodrome, a BMX track, a hockey arena, softball facilities or a basketball arena. Few of these venues have any clear post-2012 purpose. Even during the Games, not many people will be watching the sports that take place there.
There has already been some modest scaling-back of these facilities, but we should cancel the lot of them. Put many of them in Manchester, in the worldclass facilities built for the Commonwealth Games - something which might also make the rest of the country happier about paying for 2012. Move the cross-country event and save Greenwich Park.
My other suggestion wouldn't save much money, but it would make people very happy. Let's can the three thousand free limousines and the 1,500 free luxury hotel rooms for the absurd IOC luminaries. Make them get the Tube like everyone else. And if they get stuck, so what? They're not paying - we are.
All that would reduce the chances of a financial disaster. It would free some much-needed funds for "legacy". It would cut the Games's impact on the rest of London, and let it go about its life. Boris seems to be edging in this direction - he needs to go a lot further.
Because the changes I suggest would do something even more important. They would burst the absurd Olympic bubble for future cities, and cut the IOC down to size. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new London Austerity Olympics: 2012's real inspiration for future generations.
Reader views (8)
Jeremiah,
the cycle track at Eastway was one of the first things destroyed, a blatant breach of undertakings that the new velodrome (miles away)would be finished first. Not only do I not know any Londoner who welcomes the Olympics on its own merits (those in favour always say,'It'll bring investment, it'll be good for A,B or C' - always some other category than themselves), at 53 I've never met anyone who shelled out their own money to go to an Olympics anywhere. This is a monster out of control: if Royalty insisted on special traffic lanes, we'd be a republic by now, and yet these outrageous demands go on and on. If there are special traffic lanes, I won't be the only one throwing tintacks on to them, that's for sure. I hate the money-circus that football has become, but at least it pays its own bills, and people spend their own money to watch it.
My Borough of Walthamstow has no cinema, one tatty theatre the council wants to demolish along with all the public toilets (I'm not making this up! They're halfway already), a gem of a museum under attack, libraries closed and books burned: no money, you see. The Olympics will give us a coach park built on football pitches, and the paralympic archery, and the Council's really excited. We already get the Eurostar sewage, so a coach park's quite a step up, really.
I really feel that the Olympics could generate some kind of revolution, so blatant is the waste of money in the face of real need.
- Mdj, Leyton, e10 london
I don't know anyone who supports it!
Another idiot LABOUR PARTY waste of taxpayers money.
- Jean, London, England
Scale it down and charge other countries to compete here. At least that would help pay for all the security which will be needed.
- Peter Thurgood, London, UK
Why oh why does it take this long for everyone to smell the coffee!
I can remember waiting for the decision with baited breath and feeling so disappointed that the UK (sorry London) had won.
Colleagues could not understand my dismay.
Just like the Dome this will be a complete waste of public money out of which someone will make a damn fortune.
- Frank Bird, Cardiff, South Wales
"Did you know that three of our Royal Parks - Hyde Park, Regent's Park, and Greenwich Park - are Olympic venues, and will be closed throughout most of the summer of 2012?"
Could we not just use Hackney Marsh instead? It is a lot nearer to the Olympic Stadium - and how many of those football pitches are used in July and August anyway?
- W R Stevenson, London
Andrew,
Spot on as usual. Those who wish to vandalise Greenwich Park should not be allowed to do so. The parasitic sports officials who wish to ride this gravy train should be thwarted at every turn. Minority sports seeking vastly expensive facilities which are unlikely to be used again should be denied them and their events moved elsewhere in UK. Better still, money should be shaved off every aspect of the games to provide non-elite Londoners with basic facilities which will enable their active participation in sport for at least a generation.
- Henry Rogers, Twickenham UK
So, even Londoners are getting jittery about the expense of Seb Coe's Gravy-train Olympics? As far as most of us up here in the Grim North are concerned, it's 'London's Olympics' - not ours.
Why should we spend one pound of our tax (the bit Broon hasn't stolen at the pumps, yet...) to help your overpriced hotels, tourist outlets and bars make even more profit ripping folk off? No one up here or beyond (the bit they call Scotland) will benefit from this, and the vast majority will not be driving "sawff" to observe either.
The money blown on this charade could have paid for Youth Centres' across the land, bought more playing fileds for sports for all, more swimming pools...do the Math: £24B buys a lot of sporting and community outlets for the entire nation, and a few school repairs too.
You should call it off. Just refuse to continue burning our money. What are they going to do then? Easy, just ship this drug-fuelled global cheatathon back to Greece. If folk want it to continue after that, hold a global whip-round. Be interesting to see how much they raise..?
Odd really, Ole Jaqui cannot afford to pay the Police, Darling hasn't spare cash (seemingly, or is it lack of guts?)enough to cut the hated fuel duty, Jowell 'forgot' to add VAT (yeah, right) and the costs keep doubling. Get the feeling you're being cheated?
BTW. Some of the trees in Greenwich Park might have a preservation order on them. Find out. It might stop the Coe Gravy Train in its hooves....RESIST!
- Jo Grimely, Northern England
Sorry Andrew but you'll have to keep dreaming. The beast now has a life of its own. This is one big ego trip for its promoters. And as for legacy for example there's no need for a rifle range, there's a perfectly good one in south London. The main stadium could have been redesigned so that it could have been used as a football stadium but Seb Coe vetoed that idea. And the cycle track at Eastway which is in constant use will be lost. Finally you have been a little over optimistic with your figure of £10Bn, try £16Bn.
- Jeremiah, London
