Morning:
13°c
For some reason, in the last week or so I've had a series of lunches and dinners with friends who are male, single, over 35 and never-married. Men like this were traditionally labelled playboys, a term implying they possessed a rakish charm and a wariness of settling.
New York is full of them, since this is the town where men come to get rich and consider dating an unserious pastime. Young, nubile women outnumber men here by far, so casual sex is absurdly easy to come by.
In 1980, US census figures showed six per cent of men over 40 never married; now 16 per cent are in that position. So does this merely reinforce the notion that there is no need for men to rush into matrimony?
Au contraire. According to the new issue of men's magazine Details, such men should be aware that women increasingly don't buy the “I've just never found the right woman” line from any man over 35.
In fact, women have a new term for these men: they are not playboys, they are “male spinsters” — a moniker that implies at best that these men have “issues” and at worst that they are sociopaths.
Since reading this, I've listened to my single male friends with new interest. I've noticed that before you've even ordered the appetiser they always bring up their love lives — and when they do, their conversation is comic and pitiable.
From one: “Sex with no strings attached is just great; we both know we're just having fun.”
(I thought: how little you know about women.) Or, as another put it: “Once I've had sex with one woman, it's a bit like unwrapping a present — there isn't any point doing it again.” I told him there's a name for that: sex addiction.
One fears for these men, just as society has traditionally feared for the single woman. They cannot see how lonely they will be. The term “male spinster” is entirely appropriate.
But in time to ease my anxiety, a British friend came through town. He's 30, absurdly handsome and just dumped a celebrity he was dating.
“I realised everything was on her terms. I couldn't see a future like that. I want to get married,” he said. Finally. A worthwhile man. “You've got five years,” I told him, “before you need to worry about becoming a spinster.”
Reader views (6)
I'm sure there are different reasons for men not marrying. My experience from 4 guys I dated in my 20s, who are still unmarried and now in their mid-late 40s, is they are all looking for Mrs. Goodbar. She should be hot, and preferably smart, but very definitely, she must be rich. All four make a subsistence living, but yearn for material things and feel a sugar mummy is the answer. It was scary how they all started calling again once my career took off (and frankly the motivation was obvious). Two hinted at marriage, even though they were notorious cheaters. Ward is absolutely right - beware the male spinster!!
- Sally, Vancouver, Canada
It's difficult enough for those of us deprived of early romantic success to find a partner, Ms. Ward, without the likes of you vilifying us. Western culture, particularly the US and UK, seemingly demands that every person must pair bond by the age of twenty-five lest they condemn themselves to a lifetime of isolation. We are not all players looking to add another notch to our belts; many of us are good, solid, albeit lonely, men who want to find good women before we get old.
- Drew, Birmingham, Alabama USA
Yes, I married one of these when he was 36 - and divorced him a few years later. He wanted a Mum and a provider - but I was already a Mum, thanks... Luckily it was my house (he never contributed a penny)..
- Suzy, Pontshill
I fell for the pitiable chat up of a man aged 47, married him, and then realised he was really just a whiskered surly teenager. Dont like him enough to divorce him though.
- Amadam, Shropshire
Speaking as one of the 16 per cent I'd have to say that the tone of that article was a little insulting.
It's fair to say that there are a fair few men with issues/closet cases etc. But among my 'never been married' male and female friends there's a sizable group of use who just don't see the point.
We have relationships when we want them, are single when we want to be, none of us have any desire for children so what then is the point of getting married? As for being lonely in older age that's what friends are for, and good ones will always be around.
- Iain, San Francisco, USA
Paragraph 2 alone is all I need to know.. ticket to JFK please, one way.
- Fresh, London
