Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a great big flying pig? No, it's a brand new high-speed rail link between London and Manchester, slashing journey times to the northern city by over a third.
And it won't be the only one of its freakish kind, oh no, because if the Tories are as a good as their word, we'll soon be seeing an entire new high-speed rail network linking the metropolis with Birmingham and Leeds as well. As for those planes we thought we were seeing, there are going to be far fewer of them, which means no need for that beastly third Heathrow runway.
Can it be true? Are the Tories really going to put £15.6 billion of our money where their mouths are to pay for this, the first new rail line to be built north of London for over a century? And I mean completely new, because unlike Labour they aren't talking about upgrading the existing track but instead have released plans for entirely fresh infrastructure. They're only expecting the private sector to stump up a measly £4.4 billion, which makes it look like good, old-fashioned public works from where I'm sitting.
No wonder the likes of Greenpeace are hailing the plan as a major initiative for tackling climate change. Because if — and that's a big if — it were to come about, it would not only represent a significant move away from government perceiving short-haul flights as a jet engine bolted on to the economy but also imply a willingness to take on the road freight lobby.
But hang on a minute, there's a good many years to go before 2015 when the choo-choo spending spree is set to begin. Comrade Osborne must be pretty confident of sorting out the budget deficit he's set to inherit by then, to endorse such lavish future expenditure now. Moreover, there's no indication yet that the Tories have a plan for how to untangle the current imbroglio of private operators and track maintenance companies.
And I don't think I'm cavilling to ask whether, if the costs aren't to be pushed on to the passengers by private train operators, the government will be prepared to run the new system itself, at a loss, just as similar high-speed rail links are in France and Spain?
Because if so, it looks to me like the Tory party is effectively renationalising a section of the rail network — and that has to be one great big swine looping the loop around a pie in the sky. No, my hunch is that this is just still louder mood music: touchy-feely Dave with his green sleeves rolled up as he conducts the Tory party conference. It's the orchestral version of the useless wind turbine on his Notting Hill pad, and the chauffeur bringing up the rear with his briefcase as he cycles through the London traffic.
Of course, I'd like to believe in the new age of the train. But I stopped believing in flying animals when I was about seven.
Reader views (4)
I worry that Will is right on this one. Pity because it would be fantastic to see Britain investing in a rail network fit for the twenty first century. We desperately need better alternatives to flying.
- Nick Davies, London
Andre Peretti is wrong. The only reason the TGV shows a profit is that the French government hived off Euro 20 bn into RFF which is the underlying infrastructure company responsible for the debt associated with the track. Net, net, the TGV has been an enormous cost and has sucked resources from the normal network which is now third world
- Alex Balfour, Hong Kong
It's all right Will. Lord Ashcroft is paying for it. Once he has bought the next Election he'll have loads of money to spend on something useful at last. It wo't cost the taxpayer a penny.
- Tommy Cockles, Acton
Contrary to what you declare, the TGV (French high-speed train) is highly profitable. Its 2007 profits more than covered the deficit of the other lines. This situation has even shocked some left-wing politicians who find it immoral for the state (majority shareholder) to make money on a public service.
- Andre Peretti, Corsica-France
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