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Until yesterday, my dream as a curvy girl was to fit into a Kate Moss mini. That was until I saw the unkind pictures of Fern Britton. Lovely Fern, 51, now five stone lighter after her gastric band operation, looks cute in Kate's £60 floral-tiered dress from Topshop - and sensibly, she's wearing it over black leggings.
The problem is she's accessorised it to death - with a bulky red scarf, fitted cream coat and Ollie & Nic bag. As for the granny glasses and fawn boots - no one gets away with that look unless they're under 30, like Sienna Miller.
My heart goes out to Fern because I know I'd do the same. I am an unapologetic over-accessoriser. I go out dripping with statement necklaces and rings, half-eaten to death by bangles. I can't actually wear one necklace to the theatre because it makes too much noise. And my opera coat gets a seat of its own.
Nigella Lawson's fashion rule is that before you go out the front door, take off three things and leave them on the hall shelf. The trouble is, I don't want to be a minimalist. Theatrical dressing is an act of courage on a bad day. Or on a fat day. And there's no danger of anyone wearing an identikit outfit to the party. Think Edith Sitwell or the Duchess of Windsor with their mad turbans and outsize brooches. I may not have their bank accounts but I managed to blow a fortune in Mango the other day, which has the most brilliant costume jewellery this season, including Art Deco cuffs for £30.
But also I think women tend to over-accessorise when they are going through a major life change. All the pent-up rage and grief comes out in the wardrobe. Madonna wore an astonishing green feather dress with fetish shoes and far too many bangles the day her divorce was announced (it may be Louis Vuitton, love, but why do you look like a tree?). While poor Carol Vorderman has been tipping dangerously on the accessory front since she lost the day job.
Call it eccentric, call it fashion-wilful, but there are a lot of us out there. A colleague comes to work in a stole - and occasionally also a snood (respect). And my new heroine of overdressing is Helen Mirren. In children's fantasy film Inkheart, out this Friday, she is channelling Sitwell in a twisted turban and enough jangly jewellery to fill several stalls at Camden Market.
If it's good enough for the world's sexiest woman, it's good enough for me.
