Tonight:
9°c
Christmas parties are a social minefield. Everyone is on their best behaviour. But, as tension mounts, it's so easy to get party tourette's and blurt out some terrible home truth. Or spill wine on the best rug.
Or have a hideous argument with your sister.
So this year I have a new party trick. Arrive late. And I mean incredibly unfashionably late. It's frustrating, of course. You have to sit in and watch a lot of duff telly.
You miss the food and the best guests (who are exiting, barking instructions to the babysitter, as you arrive).
You risk offending the host, who has been panicking since 6pm that Not Enough People Will Turn Up.
When you ring the bell at 11pm, he or she greets you coolly. "I'd almost given up on you." It's a formality, of course, because they know I'd go to the opening of an envelope. But they are puzzled. Good-time girls tend to arrive early.
The thing is, I'm protecting them.
From my worst behaviour. Because I am officially the Girl Who Stays Too Long At Parties. Come 2am, I'll still be dancing with the dregs even as the host is hoovering the carpet.
Last week at a festive dinner party, I was opening a bottle of Prosecco as the host was tackling the fish kettle in the sink. What greater hint do you need? So my new theory is that by arriving late, people only get three hours of me, tops. And maybe, just maybe, they'll forgive me for being the last chicken.
Other people handle parties so much better. They have a proper homing device. A few yawns and they're in that taxi. Me? I'm still rifling through the take that albums, and proposing group holidays to Estonia.
This weekend I have a Christmas lunch and I'm already planning to arrive about 8pm. I have form, you see. A few years ago, tired and emotional after a long lunch party, I looked at my watch and declared: "Oh my God I've missed the last Tube, it's quarter to three." My friend looked at me pityingly and said: "You can't read your watch. It's quarter past nine!" I've never lived it down. Trust me, I'm the girl you want to arrive late. That way, even if I overstay my welcome, you get the abridged Liz.
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