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You've consulted your mobile 20 times in an hour, checked your home messaging service, oh and popped into a couple of internet cafés just to see if the nice man from the party has been in touch. Maybe he was too intimidated to call?
Such are the dilemmas that form the basis of He's Just Not That Into You (HJNTIY), a new film which opens this Friday starring Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson, Drew Barrymore and Ben Affleck. It started life as a book in 2004, written in the form of spoof Agony Aunt letters. It caused a sensation.
The brainchild of Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, writers on Sex and the City, HJNTIY brilliantly deconstructs all the shabby excuses male dates use to fob women off.
When I first read Behrendt and Tuccillo's no-holds-barred manual, I was expecting another conservative backlash against smart women. But in 25 years of dating, it's the best advice I've had.
The genius lies in the fact that it's co-authored by a man. As women we often perpetuate friends' mad romantic fantasies out of kindness.
But there are times when we need tough love, and Greg is the Dating Nazi. I wish he'd turned up in my life years ago. Men, he insists, are not complicated. If they like you, they phone. Full-stop. With forensic precision, Greg shoots down all the sex-excuses I've ever been fooled by.
Exhibit A: there is no such thing as mixed messages. If he's not calling you, you're not on his mind. "Assume rejection first." And forget that old line about romance spoiling the friendship. In the history of mankind, it's never been used by a man who actually means it.
Whole scenarios of my life passed before my eyes reading this book. The night a friend and I hiked through the snow in slingbacks and flimsy dresses - like salmon swimming upstream - because I thought a man might be too shy to ask me out. The lawyer who invited me for cocktails - then brought his girlfriend along for career advice.
Once upon a time, love was a formal contract. Today, romance is so laissez-faire you don't even know if you are on a date. I almost wept with relief when I read the book's stern checklist: expect a public excursion, a meal and some handholding. "Hanging out is not dating". Whoops, there goes at least 10 years of my romantic history.
Every twentysomething should have this book on prescription. It's thrillingly dismissive of loser jargon (It's not you, it's me/It's complicated). And forget the man who's just split up from someone and "isn't ready". If he's really excited about someone, he can't stop himself.
Admittedly Greg is also a Neanderthal. He's adamant women shouldn't call men. They like to be the pursuers. Remember you're working with primordial impulses that have been driving human nature for thousands of years.
By now I should be whimpering behind the sofa. But knowledge is power. Nice women shouldn't be wasting time on emotionally unavailable men. Now I know that if I accept the first mild disappointment (the missed phone call, the cancelled mini-break), they'll keep on doing things that let me down.
After all, dating is supposed to make you feel better, not worse. Which brings me to the late-night booty call. Do not respond. Better than nothing is never good enough. Or, to quote the best line in the book: "Pets are God's way of saying don't lower the bar because you're lonely."
Put bluntly, it's time to move on, girlfriend.
Reader views (2)
Um...Veronica did you read HJNTIY or The Rules? The Rules focuses on antiquated notions of playing hard to get, blah blah blah. Greg and Liz point out that games are lame.
- Jvc, NY, NY, 03/02/2009 15:58
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All this is very old news. Two American women wrote a series of very popular books called "The Rules" in the 1990s and this is just a steal from those books. The Rules say: let the man do the running - if he doesn't he's just not that into you" (and gives you 10 rules to conduct a successful relationship) Trust a man to take the credit.
- Veronica, London UK, 03/02/2009 14:01
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