Morning:
14°c
This week, I feel rather got at. According to Jonathon Porritt, by having a third child I have contributed to the destruction of the planet (even though this tiny person wears hand-me-downs and eats leftovers). And according to Rowan Williams, by working, I am endangering not only my marriage but, by extension, my children's happiness. By making sure they do their homework, I am blighting their lives by buying into the notion of "obsessive testing"; although the Archbishop contradicts himself by chastising parents of teenagers for adopting a "casual attitude" towards preparing them for work.
Frankly, I wish these grumpy old men would find other people to lecture than those who are working hard to contribute to this country's increasingly laughable tax requirements and producing a future generation to pay the pensions of our booming elderly population. The environmental imprint of a family is not dictated by its size, nor is the likelihood of divorce or bad parenting the sole responsibility of working mothers, unless we are to decide that female financial independence is undesirable and therefore commit to bringing up a generation of daughters who must find a prince to support them, starve, or leech off the state.
I, like many working mothers, have adopted a far from casual attitude towards preparing my children for the future. I may have taken this to extremes: I anxiously babbled to my surprised-looking in-laws about my first child having to compete with the drive of China and India when she was still in her Moses basket. But children, surely, learn by example, and working mothers set an example to their children. Certainly, when my mother worked, or told me that my education was important (I still remember sitting an exam, aged five), I never felt this negatively impacted on my happiness. I felt that the world set no limits on the female existence, nor did it present that stark choice: career or children.
To set parameters on our daughters' ambitions and imply that educational success will turn them into unfit parents is a message that will not help anyone at all, particularly in the current climate. But then Williams once welcomed the introduction of sharia law in Britain, so perhaps we shouldn't listen to him when it comes to how women should lead their lives.
* Catherine Ostler is editor of ES Magazine.
Reader views (13)
good on the mothers who are prepared to return to work to help provide for their children.If a few more parents both mothers and fathers (single and couples)took this attitude our country might be better off.My wife, who is pregnant with our second child is still working,and i both work.We have no wish to claim from the state as we have made our choices and would rather support ourselves.Financially we are better off if we were both out of work,but this does not set a good example for the future population.Anyone who can critise any parent for wishing to work,what ever thier reasons,needs to spend some time in the real world.
- Gary, sandy bedfordshire
cam -
According to your logic then, no parent should work at all, since anyone going to work - mom or dad - demonstrate that their job is more important than their family.
- Emery Ann Harris, USA
I am currently on maternity leave with my six month old, and would love to stay at home with him rather than return to work.
However, my husband and I have a large mortgage on a small two bedroom flat in a fairly rough part of London and could not pay this without two salaries. We need
my salary to live, not for luxuries or flash holidays and we need to live in London for my job.
We saved for eighteen months before having our son to enable me to take a full year off, and we receive nothing from the state aside from child benefit which is received by every child in the UK. We certainly do not feel we are a drain on any tax payer in this country and have made a number of sacrifices to have a family.
While having a child was our choice and I do not expect handouts, I resent the idea that I am a bad mother for returning to work for financial reasons. Would it be better that I split up with my husband and turn to the state for help? Or should middle income couples stop reproducing, thus creating a two-tier society? One could argue that women should only have children if they are married to men rich enough to support them, but isn't a strong, loving marriage also one of the factors so often cited as crucial to a child's well being? It seems to me that responsible families face enough problems without the unrealistic views of some.
I do not know what the answer to this ongoing problem is - but constant attacks on normal families doing their best are no help to anyone.
- Gs, London
As the child of a mother who worked at a time when most mothers didn't, I feel I must write in defence of working mothers, who are once again being scapegoated. Having a working mother taught me a mother has the right to a life of her own; that her talents and abilities should be used for the benefit of others than the immediate household. I also learned that my mother wasn't a personal servant, at my beck and call 24 hours a day.
As a result of my upbringing, by the time I left school I was streets ahead of most of my contemporaries in terms of independence and confidence that I could be whatever my abilites allowed.
- Joan, London, UK
Everybody seems to have overlooked the 3rd way, moderation. Working is OK if hours are not excessive, 2 parents working all the time will damage the family. Using material possesions as justification, do we really need that bigger house or new car? Pushing our children to study is a good thing, but can go to far. Women's independence is a good thing, but not an ends in itself so it must be subordinated to the needs of the family as has men's for generations. The biggest problem is the shirking of responsibility for ourselves and our commumities. People just expect somebody else, normally the state, to sort things out and refuse to take responsibility for their own actions or decisions.
- Mark, London
How typical these male comments are. My generation fought to release women from complete dependence on fathers and husbands and to encourage them to attain as high a standard of education as possible.My children were certainly not neglected although I was a working mother, and now I am retired and both children are working in their turn, I could not ask for more caring and attentive daughters. Darius and Cam belong to the stone age along with Rowan Williams, who seems to make a bigger fool of himself every time he opens his mouth. Well done Catherine!
- Patricia, London
"Grumpy old men". I am no fan of Rowan Williams but a generation whose double-income parents are effectively telling them that the accumulation of material wealth is more important than family relationships is surely something worth being grumpy about, if anything is.
- Andrew, hampton
Joe/Darius - your argument about house-prices is idiotic. Like most competitive markets - prices move as a function of supply and demand. The rise in house prices is due to a shortage in housing stock primarily caused by an expanding population, the end of the extended family and the increase in buying 2nd homes for investment purposes. New house building hasn't kept pace with demand - hence prices increase.
You have the cause and effect around the wrong way. As house prices increase due to an in-balance in supply and demand - it become increasingly harder for one parent not to work. As capital remains tight during the credit crunch - this is only likely to continue.
- James, London
SMB - Please DO comment on it - we value your view!
Stereotypes are, by their very nature a median reflection on reality - and perhaps you are one of the exceptions that prove the rule...
- Darius Midwinter, London UK
Cam, Essex - My mother worked when I was a child and I never once felt that I was second fiddle to her job, but only that she needed to work as well as my father in order to look after us.
And should my Mother ever need me, then yes, I would drop everything at work and assist her, as she has taught me the lesson that family comes above all else!
Darius, your answer is so stereotypical that I can't even be bothered to comment on it.
- SMB, London, UK
There was a price to pay for female emancipation, what we didn't get told in the 1970s is that our children would pay that price. Like many social revolutions, no one really knew what the practical outcome would be because they were focussed on the intellectual arguement. It has also meant a rise in demand for low paid/ low skilled jobs in childcare, primarily done by women. Did the feminists predict that? Too late now though, the world has changed forever. I agree with Darius, the main upward driver of house prices is dual income families, not City bonuses. I do feel sorry for my wife when she feels guilty about putting a 6 month old baby in nursery, but there is no way back now.
- Joe, London
Part of the reason that house prices rose so fast over the last twenty years is because of two income families - the more you can afford to borrow, the more prices inflate to the peak level.
Also, it is mainly women who want more kids, bigger and more affluent kitchens, endless redecoration, matching sofas, curtains etc etc etc - men who live alone spend far less on all these "excesseties".
Look in any supermarket car park to see who are driving the biggest 4x4`s - the same ones who complain about the price of diesel, but by driving gas guzzlers are keeping the price of a gallon up!
Next, look at the latest government advert about saving energy - the (dozy) hubby is busy fitting energy saving lamps, balanced on a ladder at the top of the stairs whilst his daughter is in her room surrounded by consumer junk, all on standby, and his wife trots down the stairs about to use her 2kW hair dryer......
Says it all, really!
- Darius Midwinter, London UK
"working mothers set an example to their children".
Yes, that their job is more important than their family.
Mrs Ostler, when you are old, infirm and lonely and your children find that the demands of their jobs are far more important than visiting you, or paying you any attention, remember that was the example you set them.
- cam, Essex
