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According to a leaked minute, Boris Johnson uttered the most commonly employed fricative expletive no fewer than 10 times during a recent phone conversation with the Home Affairs select committee chairman, Keith Vaz.
What the two men were discussing - certain inconsistencies in the Mayor's evidence to the select committee, concerning his response to the arrest of the MP Damian Green - was no more than the usual I-said/he-said of politicos' infighting, and frankly, of about as much interest as listening to teenage girls bitching, so I won't either bore or offend you with the verbatim account.
The Mayor says he used the f-word only three times, but I have my doubts. Vaz's minutes - unlike so much else that he does - have a certain ring of authenticity; and the main reason they're so plausible is that they show us the Mayor swearing like any man who is simultaneously frightened that he's been found out and angry that he hasn't got his own way.
This we can believe of Boris; we know his genial buffoon shtick is just that, and that underneath the white-blond thatch there's a furnace, stoked red-bloody-hot by ambition. We also intuit - rightly as it transpires - that sang froid is not the Johnson strong suit. But 10 times - that suggests a man who is really very cross and extremely antsy.
Because no matter how much men of the Mayor's ilk swear, they are not entirely to the manner born. There is indeed a kind of swearing, where the fricative is employed not just in its nounal and verbal forms but also adjectivally, adverbially, and even as an intensifier interpolated between words - as I did with "bloody" above. This is known as "tmesis", and it's a term Old Etonian scholar Boris is more likely to recognise than "Aylesbury", "Donald" or "Bit of", all of which are used in cockney rhyming slang as euphemisms for his favoured expletive.
Of course, for every true cockney there are now a score or more mockneys - but I don't think the Mayor is one of their number. Mockney - and Esturine in general - relies for much of its linguistic effect on this co-option of the supposed incessant swearing of East Enders - and by extension the wider London working class.
This is a nonsense: respectable working-class Londoners probably never swore any more than their alleged social betters. But commonplace swearing has become - pace those "street-fighting men" the Rolling Stones - a perceived way of breaking social barriers, and even, laughably, furthering the revolution. The most important media event in the history of this kind of swearing was the Sex Pistols' notorious outbreak when egged on by the late Bill Grundy, on live television in 1977.
It's true that just as sexual intercourse - according to Philip Larkin - didn't really begin in England until the Lady Chatterley obscenity trial more than a decade before, so denoting sexual intercourse by use of the vulgar term was at first regarded as part of the sexual revolution. It's this kind of swearing that Ken Tynan was engaged in, when he famously flung the fricative on live television in 1965; remembering that he said it only parenthetically, in this rather rarefied context: "I doubt if there are any rational people to whom the word would be particularly diabolical, revolting or totally forbidden."
No, the Mayor was no taboo-breaking Tynan in his phone call. He was merely succumbing to the mundane character defect of anger - not the exciting vice of social and sexual transgression.
Indeed, political swearing almost always seems to have this hue; one thinks, automatically, of Tricky Dicky and those infamous "expletive deleteds" that pepper the transcripts of the Watergate tapes. Or, closer to home, there's the sorry example of Alastair Campbell, who will be remembered less for his brilliant spinning than his habit of flecking the faces of journalists with his spittle as he raked us with his fricative fire.
Yet let he who is without sin cast the first stone! And it certainly isn't going to be me. Why, only this morning I found myself subsiding into such intemperance as I struggled to insert my seven-year-old's foot into a tight shoe. My anxiety that he not be late for school is hardly on a par with Boris's burning ambition but behind it lay a sleepless night and various other stresses.
The point is that we can all fall foul in this matter, and when it's in front of our children, we're faced with the awful hypocrisy of telling them to "not say as I say". I've lost count of the number of swear boxes that have been instituted in our home, only for them to be abandoned once it became clear that no one had enough money to pay even a tenth of the fines incurred.
Still, the strange thing is that kids are remarkably adept at learning not to say what we say. There are strict rules against expletives at my 11-year-old's school - not just Borisian ones, but even such innocuous expressions as "my God" and "bloody hell": nevertheless, my son hasn't crossed the verbal line.
Adults know full well when swearing is acceptable and when not; it's telling that the Mayor considered his phone conversation to have been a private one - and believed that this mitigated his offence. It suggests that swearing is now widely regarded not for what it really is - evidence of deracination, pseudo-deracination, or mere anger - but as bracing familiarity, or mateyness. Seen this way, swearing is a slightly jazzier equivalent of using somebody's first name when you've only just met.
Personally, while I had no great affection for the culture of deference, I still don't take too kindly to being called Will by strangers half my age. I blame "Call me Tony" Blair for this; and I've heard it on good authority that his pouting lips were no strangers - off message - to the whistle of a fricative.
So the really interesting thing about the whole Boris incident is not whether he said that word 10 times but whether he called Mr Vaz "Keith". If I had been on the end of the line when he did so, I would have had no hesitation in telling him to Keith-right-off.
Reader views (40)
Gratuitous swearing is usually symptomatic of a limited vocabulary, which presumably should not apply in the case of BJ, a classics scholar. Swearing in a foreign language is the best solution. You can give vent to your frustrations without offending too many sensibilities. I recommend Russian, which has a wonderfully rich and imaginative range of colourful expletives. But beware - a Polish plumber may be in earshot and could possibly divine the drift of your argument.
- Peter, Pirot, Serbia, 17/02/2009 14:39
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Let's face it; who wouldn't swear when faced with Keith Vazzzzzzzzzzz?
- Archie, Thrapston, England, 17/02/2009 12:11
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I'm most interested in Vaz's role in this. When asked whether he had taped the exchange with Boris, he refused to give a straight answer. My understanding is that such taping is forbidden, in which case Boris comes out of this much better than Vaz.
- Alex, London, 17/02/2009 10:45
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I don't think that Boris did anything that the majority of us wouldn't have done in similar circumstances.
Maybe next time he should revert to his schooling and start swearing in Latin instead.
- Lone Gunman, Anywhere but Here, 17/02/2009 09:06
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The English language has more "swear words" than just about any other, ranging from the mild to the sulphuric, from conversational to the vitriolic. It is in regular use in all areas of society - including the do-gooders and holier-than-thou crowd in the right circumstances. It is often simply a release valve. Looks to me like the one showing the least 'class' in this instance was the guy Vas getting his own back by making public the fact that someone swore at him in a private conversation/argument.
- Rogan, Irving, 17/02/2009 06:20
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There are far worse things than using the F word. Over-claimimng for second homes, fat-cat bonuses, excluding Brits from employment in the UK, staying in power for far too long, etc. BJ is doing a great job for London.
- Harry London, london uk, 17/02/2009 02:56
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i would challange anyone to have a conversation with keith vaz and NOT want to swear.
- Ana, hong kong, 17/02/2009 00:58
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My dad told me that swearing was a sign of a limited mind trying to express itself. I guess that excuses him.
- Barrie, essex UK, 16/02/2009 21:26
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I like Boris who is doing a good job. He at least has a certain charm and a mind of his own which is more than can be said of his predecessor.
However, I don't agree with anyone swearing, let alone people in power like politicians, or people in the media, because they should be leading by example.
There is little wonder that we have youngsters on the streets using foul language, even young girls, so no I don't think Boris should swear in response to insults, but rather use the wonderful English language and diction (as it should be spoken) to make his views known!
Bring back good speech please Boris, both in schools and in the workplace. We are way behind other countries in this respect.
- Wooram, Mid Suffolk, 16/02/2009 16:51
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There is no reason for ANYONE to use the "F" bomb. We are supposed to be civilized and gentile people. If anyone cannot express themselves without profanity they should be quiet. the movies are loaded with profanity and violence. Small wonder we are in trouble with our language and teenage killers.
- John (Brit Exp), Phoenix, 16/02/2009 16:35
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Seems to me that Keith Vaz was behaving despicably and Boris allowed his exasperation to render him less acceptably articulate than usual. I don't think Boris is ignorant, but an intelligent man who happens also to be very human and infinitely more agreeable than Mr Vaz.
- James Elliott, Eastbourne UK, 16/02/2009 16:26
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So, our Boris used a few expletives, they were no better or worse than one hears everyday on TV & Wireless!
Odd how Mr: Vaz alene repeated the conversation verbatim,...one wonders whether the whole conversation was taped, either by him or the shadowy figures that lurk everywhere these days?
"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues".
Abraham Lincoln
Yeah........ right on Abe,.....Right on!
- Geronimo, LONDON MIDDLESEX, 16/02/2009 15:14
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People tend to use expletives when they have a limited vocabury.
People that have had a reasonable eductation can find more appropriate words.
- Bernard Parke, GUILDFORD, 16/02/2009 14:47
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It is wrong to use expletives on record, yes, and to give a bad example to others. But the present economic and political climate calls for expletives from the rest of us most days now. Boris, while you are the mayor of the world's best city please mind your langauge!
- Sue Doughty, Twyford, UK, 16/02/2009 12:06
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Only if they are not swearing at the freak-controlled boom & bust Brown Brown Government.
- Joe, Thornton Heath, UK, 16/02/2009 09:55
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Boris is said to have broke into this F word tirade because he "does not do detail" in this case he dont sound like someone fit to be Mayor of London.
All vaz was doing was his job of opposition the fact that the tories failed to oppose Ken was their fault.
Just goes to show the Boris is as big a fool as he looks and its just a pity he was'nt questioned properly BEFORE the election!
I suppose its a case of "Vaz the way to do it!"
- Melvyn Windebank, Canvey Island, Essex, 15/02/2009 16:27
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An ex punlic school twit like the rest of them.
A G
- Awesome Geronimo, Leeds UK
Believe me, you cannot touch type. You still need to read your copy before submitting your comment.
- André, Cranves-Sales, France, 15/02/2009 14:06
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Wholly inappropriate and another reason why this f***ing idiot should not be Mayor of London!
- Simon A, N16, London, 15/02/2009 13:43
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An ex punlic school twit like the rest of them.
A G
- Awesome Geronimo, Leeds UK, 14/02/2009 22:56
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There will be a lot of swearing up here in the North if London enjoys lower council taxes than the rest of us. I suppose that the clown Johnson is trying to make a good impression in order to avoid defeat at the next Mayoral election. Our Tory council, is about to put the tax up again.
A G
- Awesome Geronimo, Leeds UK, 14/02/2009 22:42
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Perhaps, in future, Boris could say "flippin' heck" while stamping his foot.
- Peter Seekings-Foster, Mildenhall, Suffolk., 14/02/2009 22:32
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No, he is quite right to swear, especially when dealing with the pc brigade.
- Vince, London, 14/02/2009 14:37
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Keith Vaz is probobly enough to make a Saint swear.
- Anil Chatterjee, Manchester, 14/02/2009 13:52
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Mindless though. Derrrr, I has to swear every second word cos I ain't articulate enough.
- Kim Lay, Brightlingsea, 14/02/2009 11:53
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Boris Johnson confirmed that he is a vulgar moronic creature! Certainly not fit to hold an offical post in public life. He might fit in well as discipline co-ordinator of some sink estate where vulgar behaviour is the norm.
PS: I don't like Keith Vaz!
- Rj, UK, 13/02/2009 23:58
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He's the People's Boris. Most are ready to forgive the guy just about anything.
Vaz is a non-entity.The contrast couldn't be clearer.
- Gary C, Banbury, 13/02/2009 22:19
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Boris is the real deal, gotta love him. What's happened to our society? Is nothing is private anymore - he's at work, so he swears... big deal, so do I, what does it matter? Get a life Vaz!!!
- Cazz, Sussex, 13/02/2009 21:59
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Surely Keith Vaz should have dealt with this differently. For example by writing to the Mayor privately to say that he found his language insulting and inappropriate and asking for a apology.
- Vicky, London, 13/02/2009 17:41
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For once, Boris ran out of words! *+$@+&*!!!
- V Tan, London, 13/02/2009 17:05
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For once, Boris ran out of words!
- V Tan, London, 13/02/2009 17:05
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People in the public eye should be role models to our young. I have 2 children, 9 and 5. I doubt if my 9 year old hasnt heard swear words in playground, but we are responsible parents, and have brought her up to be respectful, polite and decent. When all talk is of respect and anti-social behaviour, what foul mouthed message does Boris send to the next generation?
- Mike, Easintgon, 13/02/2009 16:48
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Boris was very subdued if he only got 10 f***s into any conversation with Vaz.
Is it legal for Vaz to record a conversation without informing the correspondent? I seem to remember a Met Commander having had to apologise for something similar, and look what happened to him eventually (and not too soon!)
- Tom, London, 13/02/2009 16:36
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That's right Alan. Shows a distinct lack of vocabulary if this is the only way to verbalise a thought. Also shows a distinct lack of respect for the person you are addressing and in such surrenders any moral superiority you may feel you have.
- Mark, London, 13/02/2009 14:59
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So what if he swore. Boris is proving to be a far more effective Mayor than Ken who no doubt ever swore!!
- Irene Rybinska, London UK, 13/02/2009 14:51
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And did you not see Keith on Newsnight trying to avoid the question - "did you record the phone conversation", which by the way is illegal. He simply repeated three times his preprepared statementin identical words.
- Michael, Surbiton UK, 13/02/2009 14:49
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Great article - I actually understood you for once
**frenzied applause**
- ross, London, 13/02/2009 14:25
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Remind me not to telephone Keith Vaz
- alan green, woodford green, 13/02/2009 14:25
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It depends on whether the public like them or not. Its OK for Boris to swear. It would be completely unacceptable for Vaz to do it.
- Ken Walker, Putney, 13/02/2009 14:14
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Vaz's record is such he should not be an MP (by past standards) let alone Chairman of a so-called select committee. He should be barred from all public offices. Vax is full of self-importance with his own extreme left wing agenda and has focused his spleen on Borus ever since the red Ken lost his job. I can understand Boris's anger and frustration that such a inconsequential twit is trying to make political capital at his expense and that he made public a private conversation.
- Ralph, London, England, 13/02/2009 14:13
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My farther always said swearing was the ignorant trying to express themselves
- Alan Green, woodford green, 13/02/2009 13:59
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