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I recently tried teetotalism and discovered how difficult it is for abstainers in London. People asked if I was on medication; some thought I'd converted to Islam. When I ordered mineral water on a date, my companion asked if I was an alcoholic; she then became withdrawn when I replied "no". I got the impression she thought I found her unattractive.
Being outside of the loop of camaraderie was hardest: jokes that made the group laugh and subjects that enthralled them passed me by. The tipsy share a wavelength the sober can't tune in to.
London has an uncomplicated relationship with alcohol. We love it without anxiety or pretension. It is not the same in rival cities. New York is filled with uptight calorie-counting neurotics desperate to sneer at the half-cut. They even have a word for it, "drunkenfreude". The last time I was there, I received dinner-table comments on Britain's "disgusting" drinking habits. I pointed out they'd spent 20 minutes discussing where to buy a "skinny decaff dry soya latte" and that Londoners are never so boring after we've loosened up with alcohol. We'll forgive almost anyone for almost anything said while drunk, giving us the most piercing and mischievous sense of humour.
The one time I got drunk in Paris, I had a vacuous unwanted discussion about racism foisted on me by bourgeois pseuds who only speak to the dark-skinned when they're asking for a restaurant bill.
In Delhi, people drink neat liquor while driving their "car-o-bar" because they resent paying club prices. I hadn't boozed in the back of a car since my teens and blamed their behaviour on the fact that everyone there lives with their parents.
Sit on the top deck of a night bus while sober and London's unique boozy magic is obvious. You see tipsy Rastas share their chips with coquettish queens, and prim Asian girls give pasty baseball-capped chavs the come-on. They're all too drunk to notice it themselves. People regard binge-drinking as the bane of Great Britain, but catch the N38 to Hackney at two on a Sunday morning and you'll see how alcohol is the elixir of equality, enabling Londoners to flirt, chat and josh with anyone.
My dry spell didn't last the month; I now enjoy the sauce as much as ever. London is an unwelcoming place for the sober, but when you're wearing beer goggles there's no better place to be.
Reader views (9)
So you're just going to ignore all the negative effects of alcohol then, are you? All the vomit on the streets, alcohol driven violence, the fact that girl violence is up by 20%, the fact that billions of NHS pounds are spent each year on kids who've drunk too much, the long-term damage to health done by alcohol? Just because you ignore the problems with binge-drinking, doesn't mean they go away.
I've always been teetotal and there is absolutely no reason why I can't go out and have a perfectly good time with my friends. I go clubbing, I socialise, I stay out late, and I remember everything the next morning. I'm twenty years old, and I actually get a fair bit of respect from my friends for not drinking but for still being fun to be out with.
This reliance on beer goggles and on social lubricants is damaging Britain irreprably and I've seen what it can do. Girls wake up in the beds of boys they don't know, boys wake up with split knuckles and they don't remember why, kids wake up in hospital because of 'one too many'.
I'm not saying that no one should drink at all, I'm just saying that there needs to be control and people need to understand the negative effects as well as the positive ones. But then, reporters generally only tell one side of the story, don't they?
- Jen, London, 13/02/2010 10:29
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A teetotal journalist is about as trustworthy as a skinny chef. Glad you gave up giving up. Good man.
Having said that there is something to be said for the occasional period of abstainance from any much loved pursuit: on diving back in it does make you appreciate it all the more.
- Tim, London, 13/02/2010 09:29
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Nirpal, excellent article. There is one thing I can't help but point out however. There are a great many of us in the "city so nice we had to name it twice" that can go toe to toe with a Londoner any day of the week when it comes to the suds. We also have a severe dislike for the poignantly described "skinny decaff dry soya latte" crowd as well, due to their inane quest for group acceptance. As for drinking in Paris, well, I don't know one Yank who can't completely relate to your run-in with the pseuds. Thanks!
- Anthony, New York, NY, 13/02/2010 09:29
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aaahhh!!!!...pilar pilar pilaaaar!!!!!!!
- Farida, london uk, 13/02/2010 09:29
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nice to have you back mate!
- Funkg, notting hill,london, 13/02/2010 09:29
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i think you may be an alcoholic, i have been teetotal for the last 5 years and all that seeing drunk people makes me think is "i'm so glad i dont look/sound/smell like you lot anymore" alcohol fuels nearly all of the violent crime late at night in the capital, if your dry spell didnt last the month i think you need to take a serious look at yourself...
- Daveb, london, 13/02/2010 09:29
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oh Daveb, please lighten up.
I gave up the 'demon drink' for lent 2 years ago (46 days for those not in the know) and as a 20 year old student (at the time) im sure you can imagine how difficult some nights were!
But on the whole, I had many great nights- just like Nirpal described (and discovered that my 'quirky' dancing has nothing to do with alcohol!)
...Many questionned my sudden return to religion though... but i imagine its an easier excuse than 'just because...'
Funny though, I've never had as much success since... guess its just more fun to join 'em (",)
- Rita, London, 13/02/2010 09:29
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Dear Nirpal - nice article and too true.
And just because people enjoy a drink doesn't mean they are an alcoholic. And dear Daveb - do you think a blog is the right place to make uninformed comments on another individuals habits (even though they did bring them up themselves) - me think you are falling into the category of there is nothing worse than an ex drinker/smoker for being holier than though.
And definitely remember - there is a bit difference between an alcoholic and a drunk - "an alcoholic is looking for help" (okay sounds better after a couple of shandies!)
- Jc, SE1, 13/02/2010 09:29
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What your article does highlight is a rather sad fact, that people need alcohol to loosen up socially.
There are many people out there who are teetotallers and great fun to be with. Can this British reliance on alcohol be all down to a lack of confidence and insecurity?
- Simon Riker, London, 13/02/2010 09:29
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