Tonight:
4°c
Yesterday I was tempted to phone my mum to ask her to hide the newspaper. A few times a month, my dad does emergency childcare for us. A new report suggests he should be paid for his services. And I don't want him getting any funny ideas.
According to charity Grandparents Plus, grandparents should receive up to £300 a week in tax credits for taking on childcare. It also - hilariously- wants grandparents to have their own maternity leave: two weeks after the birth of their first grandchild. I can see it now: granny-natal groups gathering in Starbucks to coo over their baby pictures.
Although the charity claims 60 per cent of parents support these moves, I doubt it very much. According to the statistics, one in four families use grandparents for "childcare". But this is vague: it doesn't just include using granny as your free, full-time nanny - all it means is that a quarter of people use grandparents for occasional babysitting. So let's not exaggerate: most parents only use grandparental care as a last resort. I don't know anyone who would want to see it become a formalised option. At the moment, grandparents who are serious about it can register as childminders. According to the National Childminding Association, there's no age limit: you just need a health assessment from your GP.
For many parents the prospect of regular grandparental involvement is too fraught with the potential for argument. Many times have I returned from work to find granddad concealing the remains of three packets of Jammy Dodgers and two cartons of chocolate milkshake, my nutritional information sheet ("11.45am: satsuma or apple") made into a paper aeroplane.
I don't mind getting this level of care for free. I'd feel really bad about allowing taxpayers to fund it. Especially because once we pay for grandparents to stay at home, the obvious question is: why not pay parents too?
Right-wing think tanks have looked into the idea of a "parental childcare allowance" before, even considering a £55 weekly wage for stay-at-home mothers. But last year Policy Exchange put the cost of this at £5.9 billion. SureStart would have to be scrapped to pay for it, hardly a desirable outcome.
It's time to admit that the idea of paying anyone to look after their own children is not workable or affordable - least of all in a recession.
Pity the small business owner already crippled by the cost of redundancies and maternity leave, as their fiftysomething accounts person brightly announces: "Time for my granny leave!" The truth is, we should be investing in Scandinavian-style affordable state nurseries for all, to improve the patchy, expensive system we have at the moment.
Even my dad agrees. He found the report before I could stop him. "A wonderful idea, Viv," he says, "but it's like everything, isn't it? Who's going to pay for it?" Quite. On your next visit, Dad, the Jammy Dodgers are on me.
A captivating monkey puzzle
I never imagined I'd enjoy watching a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be an ape. But the Young Vic's Kafka's Monkey (running until 9 April) is full of eye-popping surprises. Adapted from a short story by the Czech author, this is a one-woman show with Kathryn Hunter playing an ape who, facing death or lifelong captivity, decides to save himself by becoming as human as possible. He forces himself to train as a cabaret performer.
Hunter's turn as the rum-swilling, tap-dancing monkey man is as hilarious as it is spell-binding. The play also features something you rarely see in the West End: occasional forays into the audience. For once, these feel thrilling rather than cringey. Just don't sit in the front row. Unless you particularly like bananas — or rum.
Twitter poetry in (slow) motion
Isn't it time to admit that it's too late for Twitter if you didn't get in at the beginning? I have steered clear, fearful of time-wasting and marital strife. It's OK for Stephen Fry, he doesn't have a husband and kids to neglect. Jennifer Aniston just dumped her boyfriend for spending too much time on Twitter.
Now comes news that Booker Prize-winning novelist Ben Okri is publishing a Twitter poem. You get a sentence a day for 10 days. I know publishers are looking for new wheezes in the recession but this seems a bit desperate. As far as I'm concerned, it's the official Twitter death knell. “We need to get more across in fewer words,” Okri says. Possibly. But time is precious too. And 10 days seems like a long time to wait to read a poem.
Reader views (5)
I do agree with Tomas Jevac, after all you have a choice whether or not to have kids, to Madnanny2six it's so great to read a common sense comment from a Grandmother who obviously loves her grandchildren and is happy to help her daughter out without thinking of it as a chore, there should be more people like you in this world! To Beverley Smith !?!? WHAT !?!? How is asking your family for help oppressing them? If you don't want to do it then just say NO! By the way do you work? or are you another single parent expecting the government (and me, out of my taxes) to pay your way ?!? Just asking !
- Amanda, Chester, UK, 08/04/2009 09:54
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To Tomas Jevac. Well said!
- Yvonne, Ashton, Northampton, 31/03/2009 18:13
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Uh, you don't 'mind' getting childcare from a relative for free? How nice of you. Do they mind not being paid? The problem with oppressing others is that is what liberation of women is supposed to fight. It was not fair when men took us for granted and it is not fair if government takes us for granted. The work of taking care of a child is vital to society. Someone has to do it and it can be very very hard but sometimes pleasant, but it is work. Any tax system that assumes children cost us nothing in time or money is a naive and unfair system. We need to have governments fund children period - then parents can use the care style they want. Otherwise you still are beggaring your neighbor and that is no longer fair. If it ever was.
- Beverley Smith, Calgary Canada, 29/03/2009 11:18
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I am a Grandmother who works part-time who, on her 2 days off, cares for 18 month-old twin grandsons. I am not a last resort, I am the preferred carer. I could regster as a child-minder, however, as a relative I would not be able to receive payment via the governments childcare payments. I am not baby-sitting, I am providing a stimulating, caring, safe environment for my grandsons. For the 10 hours per day I have them my time is dedicated 100% to their needs. Unlike nurseries I have them when they are unwell, so meaning that my daughter or son-in-law do not have to take time away from work.
To Tomas Jervac I say - I can identify with your sentiment, however a novel idea would be to tell those who don't work 'you pay for them'. My daughter would be in a similar financial siuation if she didn't work, then you would have to pay for them via your taxes.
- Madnanny2six, Buckinghamshire, 26/03/2009 22:47
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Regarding childcare and who foots the bill,here's a novel idea..........you had them, you look after them,you pay for them.
Job done!
- Tomas Jevac, Darlington, U.K, 26/03/2009 17:30
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