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"He took in her firm, caramel skin, her minuscule waist spreading into full, rounded hips, and powerful thighs strong enough to crush a pistachio nut. Her large, pert breasts, dressed with the most breathtakingly expensive diamonds, had the kind of delicious weighty bounce that was the preserve of only the most natural of assets."
Roll over, Jackie Collins. Showgirl Immodesty Blaize's new "bonkbuster" novel, Tease (Ebury), lifts the lid on burlesque - a world of 18in corsets, jewelled merkins, bawdy humour and camp cabaret.
But then burlesque is the coolest performance art in London at the moment. Immodesty herself has a new stage revue taking place at Koko from 11 to 14 May, hosted by Julian Clary, with music by Marc Almond.
Proud Gallery in Camden, Volupté in Holborn and The Last Days of Decadence in Shoreditch host regular burlesque nights. Late-night cocktail bar Ghost Farringdon has Corsets and Diamonds, a monthly burlesque party for women, where performer Honey Wilde teaches you the moves and make-up artists are on hand to vamp you up.
There are burlesque workshops and a life-drawing class. You can even do Power Burlesque. Core London has developed a 25-minute programme using the Power Plate to work hips, thighs and glutes - and create a nipped-in waist.
But not everybody is happy. Yesterday Camden council announced it is banning its entertainment venues including the Roundhouse and Koko from holding burlesque nights involving nudity or striptease unless they apply for the same licences required by lapdancing bars. What now for Immodesty and her nipple-tasselled ilk?
The ban raises the question: is burlesque an art form or simply titillation? Performers argue it's erotic, ironic cabaret. The emphasis is on tease, not strip. The exaggerated poses and vaudeville humour set it apart from places like Spearmint Rhino or Soho's strip joints.
I'm a bit of a prude but I adored Miss Behave's Variety Nighty at the Roundhouse recently. Performers never actually go nude, it's all about illusion. Audiences tend to be 60 per cent female. Plus burlesque is a glorification of the female form: it's about working your curves.
Classic burlesque is nothing like a lap- dance. It originated in 17th-century Europe as musical parody in which an opera or classical theatre was adapted in a broad, often risqué style.
It sprang up here in the music halls of the 1830s. By the 20th century, Americans had hijacked the genre to mean a variety show in which striptease features. It was a popular diversion during the Depression, as well as the Second World War, when burlesque performers entertained the troops.
In recent years, burlesque has undergone a revival, thanks to Dita Von Teese and Immodesty putting a modern twist on it, performing alongside artists such as Nick Cave and Damien Hirst, as well as creating catwalk events for Cartier and Dior.
And in our own credit-crunched era it's not surprising we love to be taken out of ourselves. "With my revue I'm creating a big, beautiful, escapist fantasy world," Immodesty tells me. "It's like walking into a jewellery box."
Koko 1A Camden High Street, NW1 (0844 847 2258, www.koko.uk.com)
Ghost Farringdon 113-117 Farringdon Road, EC1 (020 7278 2301, www.ghostbar.co.uk)
The Last Days of Decadence 145 Shoreditch High Street, E1 (020 7729 2896, www.thelastdaysofdecadence.com)
Volupté 9 Norwich Street, EC4 (020 7831 1622, www.volupte-lounge. com)
Proud Camden Stables Market, Chalk Farm Road, NW1 (020 7482 3867, www.proud.co.uk)
Core London Studio 03, 98 Wardour Street, W1 (020 7494 9469,www.corelondon.com)
