Morning:
10°c
Exciting news from the Stationery Office. (You remember — it used to be called Her Majesty's Stationery Office when the Queen went through that extended phase of putting her name on everything. Not sure why she did that; possibly so she could prove what was hers if she and Philip ever split up.)
According to my sources, the SO has decided that since road conditions in London are like nowhere else, unless you include whatever that city was in Blade Runner, we should have our very own Highway Code formalising some of the prevailing practices.
The Standard is delighted to be able to give you a sneak preview of some of the highlights.
For cars and vans, the use of indicators is finally to be completely abandoned and all signals will instead be made with a couple of flashes of the hazard warning lights.
This will cover all intended meanings from “I'm going to go in one direction or another at some point within the next three junctions” to “Oh, Christ, I've left the iron on — check out this handbrake turn”. It will be the responsibility of the terrified cyclist behind to divine the intention.
On realising that they are about to enter the congestion charge zone, it will be legal for drivers to slam on the brakes and reverse across three lanes back onto the roundabout they just exited.
For purposes of clarification, there will be a new signal by which bus drivers may indicate to puzzled, would-be passengers that even though the vehicle is stationary at the bus-stop, “regulations” preclude them from re-opening the doors now that they've closed them.
After consultation it has been decided that this signal will be the driver staring blankly ahead and pretending not to hear the repeated hammering on the doors.
In addition, yellow boxes at junctions will be downgraded from their current status of indicating an area which must remain clear to a new designation as jaunty, pointless road decorations.
For cyclists, it will become compulsory to wear a reflective jerkin bearing the legend “I'm better than you”.
It is hoped that this will help other members of the public to understand why they feel they can ignore Section 72 of the Highways Act of 1835 and Section 36 of the Road Traffic Act of 1988 which make it illegal for them to ride on pavements and pedal through traffic lights respectively.
Pedestrians, meanwhile, will undoubtedly benefit from a clarification of where they have right of way.
As under the general Highway Code, this will be at marked pelican and zebra crossings but the London version will confirm that pedestrians have been right in their apparently long-held suspicion that when drunk on a Friday night they may wander out onto the road at will so long as, instead of looking where they're going, they're trying to fit as much of a kebab into their mouth as physically possible.
I don't know why those weren't in the Highway Code in the first place.
Grab your 15 minutes in the Cabinet
Ever fancied getting your face on the telly and wielding limited political power into the bargain?
Well, now's your chance, cowboy. With a minister resigning every hour, like some bizarre, political hostage massacre, we are now so far down the C-list of potential government material that some of our ministers would have trouble being recognised by their own mothers. I'm not entirely sure they're all MPs, come to that.
So there is almost nothing to stop you hanging around College Green in a mid-price suit, looking for likely news crews and, once you find one, claiming that you're the Secretary of State for, say, Health and announcing your resignation.
You get a couple of minutes on the early evening bulletins and a lovely day out — and the country is none the wiser.
Men you just can't get rid of
I have mixed feelings about Caroline Flint. On the one hand, she has every right to feel aggrieved.
She might not have been very good at whatever it was she was supposed to be doing but seeing as that goes for the majority of the Cabinet it does seem a bit rich to single her out for a big old huff, even if she did appear in pictures in The Observer which had all the class of one of those makeover photoshoots that new divorcees treat themselves to.
On the other, it may well be that Gordon does indeed have a problem with women — or, as I imagine he calls them, “wonky men” — but the other end of the spectrum is probably worse and it can be summed up in one word: Berlusconi.
Whichever way you spin it there's no doubt that, politically speaking, the Italian PM sure digs chicks.
Naked women at his villa, 18-year-olds' birthday parties — he's like the exact opposite of Gordon, except that to the astonishment of their respective nations, they're both still clinging on to power.
Mind you, while Gordon could still be toppled by a coup, Silvio seems immovable. How will Italy ever be rid of him?
My theory? Since he appears to be in a three-way contest with Piers Morgan and the embalmed corpse of Lenin to take the title of Notable Public Figure Most Resembling a Souvenir Candle of Themself, my guess would be that he will ultimately melt.
Bargains galore at the MPs' Lidl
Waitrose has launched a new (relatively) cheap range called “essential Waitrose”. (I assume the lower case “e” is a stylistic choice to put their natural constituency in mind of e e cummings.)
Well, I mean, what? What will that consist of, precisely? Value gazebos? No Frills monkfish?
Who is it even aimed at? My guess would be newly
expenses-less MPs.
Reader views (3)
My Highway Code additions would be.
If Parking near the borders of Westminster and Camden with a motor cycle; park on the Camden side; they don’t charge you to park your bike there.
If you want to go shopping in Westminster and your wife has Alzheimer’s disease and a bad heart condition and can’t walk; they won’t give you an invalid parking permit; so go shopping in Camden or Hampstead where parking is cheaper and plenty of free parking places.
If you park sensibly in quiet and deserted streets; don’t park in Westminster; they will find you before you even get out of your cars; Park in Camden or Hampstead; they give you half a chance, and they are cheaper etc.
All motorists and cyclist should have a mental test if they drive in Westminster.
All cyclists should qualify for a place in Oxford or Cambridge; as they are the only members of the travelling public that can beat local council parking wardens, and beat the street cameras at the same time; this shows good clear thinking and a high level of intelligence that warrants a place in any university.
All politicians should be banned from Westminster; they are undesirables and lower the tone of Westminster; if that is possible.
Horses should have the right of way in London; plus the manure is good for all the royal parks.
Lord Mayor Transport; should be donkey carts; much more fitting for Lord Mayors than limousines.
Cyclists should be able to sue the Metropolitan Police for prejudice and harassment.
- Mickyinlondon, london, 12/06/2009 13:16
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For the Minister for Europe to castigate the Irish for not understanding the Treaty then admitting she hadn't read it does suggest a certain lack of interest in the job. Still she does have a second job as window dressing for The Observer.
- David Burns, Beckenham, 10/06/2009 15:04
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Ha yeah absolutely spot on about the higway code!
- James, London, 10/06/2009 13:52
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