Morning:
8°c
So we reach that time of year when Londoners, normally so pugnaciously delighted to live in One of The World's Greatest Cities™, start to complain about all of the tourists this inevitably attracts.
To alleviate the sense of crush and invasion, I thought you might like these harmless but entertaining lies that you can tell them:
1. You think the London Eye is impressive now? You wait till they get the other three wheels and the chassis done.
2. The O2 is the only building you can't see from space.
3. Don't go to Elephant and Castle between 2am and 4am — that's when they let the elephant out of its castle for a bit of exercise.
4. Although you must stand on the right of the escalator, you may sit on the left. Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.
5. The Ritz Hotel is so called because it is made entirely from biscuits.
This is why you have to take your shoes off and hand them to the man in the top hat before you go in.
Reader views (30)
I recently returned from first trip to London. Here's what I would have liked to have been told ahead of time.
1. Londoners don't really want you there and they will let you know it.
2. If you try to ask anyone a question, you will find that they are all deaf.
3. You can't get change anywhere. Not even a bank. Cashiers get irritated when you hand them bills.
4. You have to pay more to sit in restaurants and eat your food. You are better off eating out of the bag. How ridiculous.
5. People will knock into on the street even though you are walking single file to keep from getting in the way. And do not expect anyone to apologize.
- Joyce, USA
French tourists! Expand your 'naughty' vocabulary by standing half-way up the exit staircase at Oxford Circus, in the middle of the hundreds of people trying to get out while you are texting your friends! You will be amazed at the richness of Anglo Saxon! Ah Les anglais! Formidable!
Beinvenu!
- John Neighbour, London.
And don't forget that it's obligatory for all tourists and pensioners to travel on tubes and trains during the hours of 7-10am and 4-7pm!
- Jl, London
When getting on a train it is only polite to shake hands with and introduce yourself to your fellow passengers.
When going through the barriers at a tube station it is illegal to even think about looking for your ticket until you are standing up against the gate.
The moment you reach the bottom of the escalator with all your luggage, stop and have a chat, sort out your handbag, pat all your pockets before stepping out of the way.
The length of the handle for your luggage must be inversely correlated with the size of said luggage.
Once you have put your suitcases on surrounding seats, no other passengers are allowed to sit there no matter how crowded the train is.
- Paul, London
the best bits are south of the river
- Jimfred, London UK
I had a chuckle over some of these. My husband and I have just returned from a month in your beautiful country. We had a memorable time and out of all the people we met and spoke to, only two stand out in our memories as being anything but friendly and helpful (both in London). My only regret is that I was not in London long enough. You have a unique city and it was worth every one of the 20 plus hours sitting in a plane to get there. I was especially envious of the Underground. If I miss a train I have to wait for up to an hour for the next one. I'll be back to visit again
- Karen, Australia
A visit to the Tower of London is a must do while in London. Please be sure to take some bread, cheese, and a bit of meat with you when you go so that you will be able to tempt the Tower Ravens with. Disregard all signs which say the Ravens bite, do not touch, and to be careful with them. They are nothing but just large Parrot type Crows and are black. They are just Stunning really.
Once you have your bait for the Ravens, its traditional to have photos taken of the bird on your hand eatting from it. Dont be shy, find the biggest one and the loudest one and show him the goodies, you will be the envy of your friends back home soon! Try to pluck a feather or two from the Raven, he will be so busy eatting he will never notice at all. What a find this will be with the photos!!
Please ask the Beefeatters questions such as:"Do you really like roast beef sandwiches?" "Do you have to wear those outfits all day long?" "May I borrow you hat?" "Whats the deal with the black birds, anyways?" "Why doesnt the Tower have any lifts, as these stairs are so steep!" "Why do you clip their wings, anyways? They should be able to fly about!" "Whats the deal with all the fake jewels, and why cant I touch them?"
The Beefeatters revel in your questions, like those so make sure to ask them.
- Sunny, USA
Motorcycle couriers are in fact allowed to ride along pavements.
There is no such place as Buckminster Castle.
If you run for your bus as it moves away from the bus stop, the driver will happily stop for you.
Its ok to pile into a busy tube carriage before those on board get off.
Notting Hill carnival is a delightful family event.
- Matt, islington
Hackney`s really nice, specially at night.
PCSO`s are really helpful.
Theres ample parking in London, its very cheap and the traffic wardens are very lenient.
Bob Crow`s a great bloke.
- Matt,, Islington
New York is safer and cleaner.
- Never Eat Tuna Again, London
If in need of a loo, while out wandering? Please feel free to use any red telly booth. They are combination telly/loo. All purpose really.
Want to use up all of those annoying large bills while out shopping? Please go to any small shop and buy a pack of gum, & newspaper and pay with a 50 pound note.
While staying at the B&B, make sure and have a massive row with whoever your staying with, as the only other people there will be Business people and hey its only fair that if your mad then they should be also. If anyone beats on your walls, just yell louder, for drama be sure and smash something and scream. The odd tea cup is nice to break, as whats with all the tea here?!
Bring the row with you to breakfast, and be sure to keep talking loudly and by all means be nasty to the hired kitchen help. It really makes everyones day.
Another must, while at Buckingham Palace talk to the Queens guards. They so enjoy being spoken to, photographed, & touched. So,if you are able to wrestle them out of their hat its a bonus. Those hats would look so grand to wear on your walkabout!
- Fonderen, USA
Black cabs are London’s unofficial money-changers, so always pay with a £20 or £50 note.
We know that foreigners are always in a hurry, so please go to the head of any queue.
It’s a tradition to ask for tomato sauce when dining at one of Gordon Ramsey’s establishments.
- Ken, Brighton, East Sussex
Don't give any money to Romanian beggars they are really rich celebrity's from a reality TV show
- E Reed,, bournemouth,uk
The empty building you see near the big clock tower in Parliament Square was where the Lords and MP's sat. They are all in prison now.
- Albert Hall, hove england
-All tourists travel free on buses.
-You can tell real Londoners by their dark skin.
-The definition of a Cockney is someone who was born within the sound of the meuzin at the Whitechapel mosque
-If you come to London from Essex you must be in possesion of a special Chav visa.
- Zznhl, London
Go to the neighbor pub or better yet to a shop and buy 12 cans of beer in steel cans. Then, Please use one of the steel cans, and clang it loudly on every railing, gate and posts. Sing all Abba songs as you wander round as loudly as you possibly can. Dont mind the late hour as everyone wishes to hear Abba songs, and the beatting of steel on metal at late and odd hours. When you are tried Please, have a picnic under a large B&B and by all means talk Loudly, shout even and keep clanging the cans.
- Sunny, USA
PS Steve - are you a 1970s throwback? Or have you just been watching too many episodes of Till Death Do Us Part on Sky, and missing the irony?
- Lindsay, London
Don't become so absorbed with your sightseeing that you don't have your wits about you - and don't assume that you're safe even if you're on the pavement. This is fresh in my mind because I am seven months pregnant at the moment, and on my way to work today I was almost taken out by some idiot hurting round a blind bend on the pavement - I did have the pleasure of seeing him almost crash into some railings, but it was only my fleetness of foot that prevented both me and my unborn child being felled.
- Lindsay, london
What every Londoner should tell any tourist:
'Don't bother trying to speak English here mate,no one will understand you'
- Steve, London
All red telephone kiosks are aligned with Mecca.
- Edgar, London
Paddington Bear does NOT live in Windsor Gardens
- Victhebrit, Nara, Japan
Many visitors to the Imperial War Museum are from Germany. (True). So don't mention the war. I did once but I think I got away with it.
- Warren, Calgary,Alberta
Every friday we throw Doughnuts onto the Balcony at Buckingham Palace to show our approval for the Queen.
Homie! You'll love this says Marge.
- Ron, Camberwell, London
Fulham Broadway is so called because of the secret midnight musical performances.
King's Cross is so called because Edward VII had a row with Alice Keppel there on his way back from York Races when the carriage failed to turn up.
The arch at Wembley powers the local electricity supply at night.
- Blue Baby, London
The circle line only goes clockwise, if you want to go one stop anti clockwise you need to go all the way around and get of at the stop before the one you got on at.
- Nj, London
Take as many photos as you like in pubs
- Sean, Tripoli, Libya
If you can knock a Bobbys hat off in one go you get to keep it
- E Reed, Bournemouth,uk
Don't do it?!
- Sanjay, Hounslow, UK
The meter reading in a black taxi cab is only there as a guide to the fare. It is traditional to haggle.
- Andy, London
Try the echo in the Reading Room at the British Museum.
- Eduardo, Belsize Park
