Morning:
8°c
Following the death of Senator Edward Kennedy, the following memo is to all British media. In the event of the death of [insert name of Major American Figure here], please strictly observe the following procedure:
1 Report the death of [Major American Figure] as your principal headline ahead of any apparently more pertinent domestic stories about the economy, the [insert name of Current Health Scare here] or the latest antics of Jordan and [insert name of Current Husband here]. Allude to the frailties/indiscretions/third nipple of the subject but emphasise their achievements more at this stage. No sense in getting ahead of yourself.
2. As soon as possible run a 34-page pictorial under the heading [Major American Figure]: A Life In Pictures. Try to find their yearbook picture and at least one of them in their forties with a cigar and a martini, sitting next to someone wearing a bikini. Better still, one of them in their forties with a cigar and a martini, wearing a bikini.
3. In the days before [Major American Figure]'s funeral, keep the story towards the top of your headlines with reports which, when boiled down, essentially say that [Major American Figure] is still dead and that the thoughts and prayers of a series of minor British figures are with the family at this difficult time, whether they have been made aware of it or not. Pad these reports out with details of the funeral, including figures on how many members of the public are expected to attend which have been plucked out of the air by a harassed local police chief who just wants you off the damn phone.
4. Run a series of pieces on the life, achievements and legacy of [Major American Figure]. If possible these should include articles by at least two of: Martin Amis, John Pilger, Libby Purves, David Starkey, Simon Cowell, [Different Major American Figure] and one or both of the 3AM Girls. Articles should range in tone from "this was a life of great achievements in which there happened to be a few indiscretions" to "this was a life of indiscretions in which there were almost by chance a few achievements". Keep alternating these until you get to:
5. Report the funeral. The first thing to mention is the number of members of the public who line the route of the cortège. Reporting the actual number risks undermining the hyperbole so this should be couched in terms of how long the route was and how many deep the people were standing, along with how far some mourners had come and how many days others had been camping out to ensure a good view. Try to include a picture of someone looking stoic and dignified in a tent with a Thermos. Make the observation that in spite of the numbers of people in attendance and the presence of news cameras, everyone remained calm, as though this were somehow not normal behaviour at a funeral.
6. Print the bikini picture again before the whole thing runs out of steam.
7. Run piece speculating on health of [insert name of another Major American Figure here].
8. Repeat.
What's all this seasonal disorder, Mother?
Hello, Mother Nature? We need to talk. The other evening I was out walking when I saw the splintered husks of horse chestnuts and their conkers on the ground. Now, forgive me Ms Nature, but I hardly need remind you that it was still August. This should not be happening.
Nor, come to that, should the blackberries I picked in July have been delicious and plump rather than sour and reminiscent of something you might go to the doctor about.
I realise that these things are not directly your fault; they're part of that whole Global Warming fad that seems to be just everywhere these days — even my local pizza place is now only doing Two Seasons pizzas. But look, for the sake of clarity, if the seasons are going to have to be all mixed up could you at least sort out what exactly they are?
At the moment the two seasons we seem to have are autumn and autumn with flowers. I can't help feeling that the rest of us would be much more positive about your change in direction if you could see your way to making them summer and summer with snowmen.
Ball's in your court, Mother.
All systems keep going
Theoretically, the Space Shuttle is due to be scrapped next year. Budget pressures are making Nasa think again and another half-decade of service is being mooted.
This is essentially the largest-scale occurrence yet recorded of someone reluctantly keeping on their old banger because of the credit crunch. It will be interesting to see how Nasa deals with this disappointment. A new CD changer in the dashboard? Wait till Halfords has a sale and go get a roofrack? Chrome hubcaps on the landing wheels? Ridiculous blue LED lights underneath to impress the laydeez as it cruises the runway at Edwards Airforce Base?
My guess is they'll pretend it's been stolen and try to claim back on the insurance. You see if they don't.
* Idly perusing the front pages of various news sites on Monday evening I noticed a curious thing. All of the world's market indexes — the Nasdaq, the Dow Jones, the Wizbit, the Kaplonk and the Jizbom, or whatever they're called — had fallen. Except for the FTSE, which had boinged up a few, um, things. On a day which was a bank holiday in this country. What we can learn from this is we are better off if the people trying to run our economy take a day off. Quelle, as the more sarcastic French say, surprise.
Reader views (1)
most of us are as sick of the distinguished Senator from Chappaquidick as you are of reading about it. the mainstream media here are soft suckups printing what the Democratic party's latest talking points are. Remember, it took this guy 10 hours before he reported the car accident to police after leaving the car with Kopechne's body in it, and that's after walking past a fire station where he could have used that phone.
- John Smith, Allston,MA USA, 03/09/2009 05:32
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