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Here's one we tried earlier. William Hague arrived on the vast empty stage. “Let's give a warm welcome to the shadow cabinet!” he cried. There followed an awkward moment, in which the shadow cabinet ambled on, looking splendidly ill-assorted, despite the best efforts of the stylists backstage. Eric Pickles had the lumbering walk of an alderman on school sports day.
Theresa May smirked in a tin foil jacket and Chris Grayling looked as happy as any man can who has just put in his foot on it on his big day.
As the conference rent-a-star, we got Bono, who only last week was praising Gordon Brown, but is clearly spreading his bets. He covered Dave in kisses for not cutting the international development budget.
Half of the audience looked unsure who Bono was, but applauded anyway. A lot of the others think this particular ring-fence of spending is nonsensical and contradicts his entire cuts message. But Mr Cameron has got his party to that magical, Blairy place where it applauds things it doesn't remotely believe in to please its leader.
Dave came on stage to music by The Killers and shamelessly piled on the Martin Luther King reference: “A steep climb ahead, but the view from the summit will be worth it.”
This wasn't just Dave the leader, it was Dave the war leader.
Gordon Brown had foolishly vacated that territory by omitting to talk at length about Afghanistan at his conference. Dave demanded a lengthy ovation for the troops.
Grandiosity is beginning to peek out as power nears. He bandied around something called a National Security Council, which would lead the way to an unambiguous Afghanistan policy of making it all better then leaving again. Why did no one else think of that?
What he does offer is a glimpse into the private man, without looking artificial. So he spoke eloquently of the death of his son Ivan this year and referred to his “uncomplicated” beliefs in “family, community, country”.
All this projects a kind of normality which, of course, has only one contrast: the complex and brooding figure of Gordon Brown.
But he still has the occasional cringe-worthy Dave-ism, like referring to chairman Pickles as “my chum”. Is that a phrase he thinks people use in the north?
We cantered round the benefits system, the state of the economy, pensioner poverty and the general muddle and sadnesses of modern Britain. “You did this to our society,” said Mr Cameron, jabbing a finger at an imagined Labour opponent. “You have failed and it falls to the Conservatives to put it right.” There followed, rather oddly, a list of all the dreadful Labour institutions he would keep.
But these contradictions have long stopped mattering. The magic holds up. At last they have their house-trained Killer — and they just can't wait for the final battle.
Reader views (1)
Anne forgot to mention that at the end of his speech it is reported that Dave had to order his wife to kiss him!!
- Melvyn Windebank, Canvey Island, Essex, 12/10/2009 17:51
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