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There should be a recognised term for the negative urban fantasy — the sort of paranoid daydream your subconscious conjures as you journey about the city.
You know the sort of thing: your loved ones are attacked with pliers; you are trapped on the Northern line for ever; John Terry texts his cock to your wife.
Cheerily deranged stuff. But the fantasy I have most frequently has a more rational basis. It involves being set upon by a Staffordshire bull terrier.
They are often to be seen in Hackney, at the end of leashes held by surly youths, or hanging from sticks by their teeth to strengthen their bite. A particularly evil specimen once tore my neighbour's cat into pieces in broad daylight. I'm pretty sure another house on our street used to contain a breeding factory — at any rate, their back garden was full of the revolting creatures, barking at all hours.
One version of my fantasy had me in the dock, defending myself on the charge of kicking the lot of them to death.
My nasty little daydreams are, I would guess, shared by many. Vicious “status” dogs have become a feature of urban life: flick knives on legs, which crap in the street.
According to the Mayor's office, there has been a 79 per cent increase in the number of people admitted to A&E with dog-related injuries over the past five years. The Met has had to launch a dedicated “Status Dogs” unit, which is set to seize more than 1,000 dogs this year. If you live on or anywhere near an estate, the menace is unavoidable.
Finally the Government has recognised the problem. This week, Home Secretary Alan Johnson proposed measures including compulsory dog insurance, microchip tagging and doggy Asbos. “Britain is a nation of animal lovers,” he said, employing that nauseating cliché, “but people have a fundamental right to feel safe on the streets and in their homes.”
Four breeds are currently banned under the 1991 Dangerous Dogs Act. The pit bull terrier we all know about. There's also the Japanese tosa (which I am sure I once sampled in a downmarket sushi house), the fila Brasileiros (a kind of trainer?) and the dogo Argentinos (doesn't he play for Manchester City?)
However, singling out certain breeds is simplistic. All dogs are carnivorous beasts of limited consciousness. Most can be trained to kill, injure and intimidate and many apparently friendly dogs do so spontaneously — just as Staffordshire bull terriers and even pit bulls can be perfectly companionable.
But since they are all potential weapons, all dogs should be subject to control — just as we control guns and knives. And who else should pay but their owners? If you take the weird decision to keep a dog in the city, you should be prepared to commit the £35 or so it would cost to chip it.
A nation of animal lovers we may be, but it would be nice to prioritise humans once in a while.
Released by the corporate dollar
Had I been granted one musical wish at the beginning of the year, I would have asked for a new album from the American singer Joanna Newsom. Well blow me if she hasn't gone and released a triple! That's more than two hours of polysyllabic, harp-based songs about woodland creatures.
Curiously, we have a bank and underwear firm to thank, for Newsom funded the album by licensing her songs for adverts. “It might be distasteful but it's a totally necessary thing,” she says. “That's what allowed me to survive while I didn't tour for two years, and make this record. I wasn't living off royalties, that's for sure.”
The relation of musicians to the corporate dollar is changing fast in the face of the record industry's implosion. If that means that the singular Newsom can make albums on her own terms, the new reality doesn't strike me as such a bad thing.
Tories left on the road to nowhere
Transport policy affects most of us twice daily — yet with the election looming, we have heard surprisingly little on the subject.
The Evening Standard's live debate last night gave the transport ministers of the three main parties the chance to reveal their plans.
We had plenty of detail from Labour's Lord Adonis (plug-in points for electric cars) and the Lib-Dems' Norman Baker (timed bus tickets) and plenty of “change” promised by the Conservatives' Theresa Villiers, who nevertheless seemed quite happy with much of what the other two said.
At the start and at the close of the debate, the audience was asked to vote on which party they considered to be best for the future of London transport.
A computer glitch made it seem at first as if the before and after results were exactly the same: Conservatives just edging Labour.
“Just goes to show,” everyone was saying, “how entrenched people's loyalties are.” Then the real result appeared on the screen — the Conservatives had, in fact, lost 16
per cent of the vote over the course of the evening.
But Villiers was too busy accepting the congratulations of her team to notice.
A rope to hang public opinion
Public opinion — there is a reason why the justice system avoids being swayed by it. Responding to an article on Jon Venables on a national newspaper's website, one commentator opined: “We should have hung them when they were 10. Killing children is wrong and should be punished by death.”
You couldn't make it up, as one of that paper's columnists is fond of saying.
Reader views (7)
Totally agree with you Richard. Fed up with the weapon dogs and their owners. It is all about intimidation. Hope the government gets really tough.
- Sue, london, 13/03/2010 14:15
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Dogs that are used in ‘breeding factories’ are often kept in cages for most of their lives, denied their basic needs: freedom of movement or social interaction with humans and dogs alike. They are indeed being abused. Richard Godwin’s ‘fantasy of kicking the lot of them to death’ is absolutely appalling and disgusting. To suggest that any living creature should be subjected to such a treatment is extremely sadistic, ignorant and deranged.
If Godwin suspected his neighbours of running a breeding factory, he should have reported the matter to police or the RSPSA immediately. Instead he chose to ignore his moral responsibility
‘Surly youths’ do indeed posses Staffordshire bull terriers but for each one of them, there are hundreds of responsible, middle-class owners who simply adore this particular breed for its obedience, loving devotion and the ability to be the perfect family pet that adores children.
Compulsory micro-chipping of dogs will not solve the problem of dangerous dogs. Irresponsible owners that have no respect for life (animal or human) will simply ignore these newly proposed measures. We should instead look at the moral legacy we pass on to younger generations.
‘Kicking dogs to death’ as suggested by Godwin is not the legacy we we can be proud of. Do not police the dogs, police the owners and particularly police those who, like Godwin think that is acceptable to even fantasise of committing acts of cruelty to animals.
- Dana Mendonca, London, 12/03/2010 01:09
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To be aware of (or to suspect that) a potential puppy farm was operating in your area and not reporting this is outrageous. Of course the dogs were barking - any breed of dog would do the same if kept in poor conditions. Rather than indulge in an abhorrent fantasy about ''kicking the lot of them to death'' you could have done something postive and pro-active by alerting an animal welfare organistion, which may (hopefully) have eventually led to the dogs being rehomed with responsible, caring owners.
To refer to Staffordshire bull terriers as 'flick knives on legs' and 'revolting creatures' is unfair. To echo another reader's comment - you've got it wrong - it's the irresponsible dog owners that are the problem and not the dogs themselves. This simply serves to perpetuate the negative stereotype that the Staffordshire bull terrier has and may, perversely, encourage the wrong sort of owner to favour this breed over others.
I completely agree that all dogs owners should be responsible for the microchipping of their dogs. I am the owner of a Staffordshire bull terrier cross and I live in London. This is not a 'weird decision'. I am a responsible owner with a garden and my dog is microchipped, neutered, trained and insured.
The real emphasis should be placed on the wider social problems that have generated a sub-culture of dog ownership that far removes Staffordshire bull terriers from their true and natural place as loving and affectionate pets.
- Jenny, London, 11/03/2010 14:17
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Our Staffy is extremely well behaved, loved and regarded as "one of the family" We clear up any mess he makes and never let him loose when there are children about, even though our 18 month old granddaughter adores him, we never leave them alone together.
Any responsible person that owns a dog should do the same, no matter what the breed.
You cannot blame the dog for the owners! They are the ones at fault here. And you are witch hunting a breed that is actually very good with children. They are known as the "Nanny dog"
I totally understand how people are sick of seeing dog mess, we are as well. But again this comes down to the owners.
Our dog is insured and chipped, but I would like to know how the police will inforce others to do the same. They dont have enough officers to walk the streets now, so are they really going to catch the right people.
Oh and by the way! we dont live in a "Council House"
Although what that has to do with it I dont know.
- Candy Lee Williams, Southend-on-Sea Essex, UK, 11/03/2010 12:11
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I think most people have the urge to kick the owners rather than the dogs. So glad the government is cracking down on them, and cannot believe they have taken so long to do so.
- David, N10, 10/03/2010 21:35
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Got it wrong. The humans responsible for these dogs should be prioritised for remedial treatment. End of problem.
- Helen, norwich, 10/03/2010 16:43
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"A nation of animal lovers we may be, but it would be nice to prioritise humans once in a while."
Too bloody right!
Why should the majority of people be made to live in fear & misery just because a small handful of people wish to strut around 'their' territory wielding a rabid chainsaw on a leash?
Also, anyone living in council owned property, flats in particular, aught to be banned from owning dogs full stop. If you want to own dogs go and buy a semi with a large garden in the suburbs - it's not appropriate in a block of flats in town.
- John, London, 10/03/2010 13:54
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